With Hopes of Returning Home as a Functional Straight or Heterosexual Family

This poem was sent to me by a wife of the gay husband, who is in such denial that she couldn’t accept her husband’s double lifestyle as a gay married man. As she was pleading, please stay…

Here We Go Again
Please just let me in again
We have so much to do
There is not much time,
For what we need to get done
We wasted the first part of
Now there is nothing left
Too much time has passed
I some how forget the day
Because I closed my eyes,
And you slipped away
But you won’t do that
Or maybe you do not need me,
Like I need you
Accept me as I am
You knew me my positive ways
Now we need to find a new way,
To make this thing work out
What do you have to say?
I have given my plea
Please don’t reject me
You can see what I am worth,
Understand where I may be
For that is the purpose of our lives,
Is to be together,
As a family the way we have been for the past 15 years…
—-Sandy C

Sex Sells, Aids Kills – HIV – Understanding Risky Sex for Married Closeted Men & Straight Wives

Sex Sells, Aids Kills – HIV – Understanding Risky Sex for Married Closeted Men by Dennis Schleicher

Yes, it has been quite a long time since I’ve discussed the ramifications of living a secret double lifestyle. It continues to amaze me that the number of married gay men secretly living a double life that have no intention of coming out to their spouse/wife of their homosexual encounters. Yes, that’s you, the men that I talk to daily that believe, because you’re posing as “straight” your immune to the epidemic of HIV and AIDS. So let’s talk:

The HIV antibody can take up to three months to develop and be detected in a blood test after the virus has been transmitted. THIS is not to be taken lightly, and all people testing for HIV should first receive proper counseling as to its advisability in their particular situation. The decision to test for HIV must be an individual one, and no one should allow themselves to be coerced into taking the test.

Understanding Risky Sex

Following activities are considered to present the highest risk:

· Oral Sex: The HIV virus in semen and vaginal fluids will normally be destroyed by stomach acids if ingested. The risk of infection increases if your partner is giving fellatio or cunnilingus has any small sores, ulcers, or cuts present in your mouth or gums. To minimize your risk, condoms could be used or latex barriers can be used during cunnilingus.

· Anal intercourse without condoms: The blood vessels in the rectum can easily rupture with the friction of sexual activity, creating a high risk of infection.

· Sharing sex toys: You should not share any sex toys with your partner because of the risk of cross-infection of the virus.

· Casual sex and multiple partners: With casual sex affairs you will never know the full sexual history of the other person. EVEN if your told I’m FINE OR CLEAN. BIG RED FLAG!

· The use of condoms reduces your risk by 98%. Safer sex activities or just NOT having sex at all is only way to stay 100% clean. Many if not ALL of the married men I deal with day in and day out are not educated as to safer sex activities which leads to cross-infection to there straight wife’s at home.

The CDC: http://www.cdc.gov/hiv Hartford Gay & Lesbian Health Collective: http://www.hglhc.org/ National HIV & STD Testing Resources: http://www.hivtest.org/

Do Tell Us Your Story by Posting Your Comments Anonymously ??? Be Safe – Dennis

 

Do You Feel Optimistic About Gay Rights Legislation?

Do you feel more optimistic about the prospects for gay rights legislation than you did last year?
63% Yes
30% No
7% Not Sure
“We now have a president who is at least sympathetic toward LGBT issues rather than openly hostile, as was the previous administration.”

“The only thing the current administration offers is a lot of lip service.”

“We are definitely moving in the right direction and at a much faster pace.”

–The Advocate featured in the June issue.
Tell US what you THINK???

The Gay Man’s Therapist by Angelo Pezzote

Your Weekly Affirmtion: The sun is always shining behind the clouds, even if grey skies is all you can see. ~Angelo

All’s He Cares About Is Himself!

Dear Angelo,

I am in love with my friend but he doesn’t feel the same way about me. In fact, he’s very self-absorbed. All he cares about is himself. He doesn’t even treat me good, but he’s all I think about. I can’t imagine my life without him. I need him. I wish he could just see that I’m what he’s been looking for. I find myself really lonely, doubting myself and questioning things. I’m miserable, thinking of hurting myself, knowing I’ll never be able to be with him. I wonder if things will ever improve for me. I’m so confused right now. I don’t want to end up old and alone surrounded by cats and dogs.

Signed, Sinking Ship

 

Dear Sinking Ship,

I’m sorry you’re suffering through this awful situation. The pain of unrequited love can be excruciating and the ensuing grief can seem unbearable. I’m so glad you sent out this S.O.S. ! And you know what? Your use of humor at the end (”surrounded by cats and dogs”) tells me you’re going to be okay.

 

In the movie Titanic, Rose has to let go of Jack’s frozen hand (allowing him to sink underwater) to get rescued. The lesson is that sometimes we have to let go of something we love to save ourselves. It’s better for you to let him go and suffer the relatively short-term emotional pain rather than drawing out the misery of not having him. Anything less is masochistic.

 

As painful as it is, every time you think of him say, “I release you and wish you well.” Then ask yourself, “what do I need to do to take care of myself right now?” Then do that. You must believe that you’re trading this relationship in for a better one. The Universe is already directing the right guy to cross your path at the right time. Focus on that new love to come rather than on what didn’t work out.

 

I also suggest you call the Trevor Project (a 24/7 confidential gay suicide & crisis prevention helpline http://www.trevorproject.org ) immediately at 1-866-4-U-TREVOR or 1-866-488-7386. I also recommend you consult with mental health experts such as a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist. It’s also a good idea to attend a 12-step group such as CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous http://www.codependents.org ) or Al-Anon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org ) for self-care, learning how to keep the focus on yourself.

All The Best, Angelo.

Author of Straight Acting – Gay Men, Masculinity, And Finding True Love

http://www.askangelo.com

Life…Who’s Helping With Yours? Did you know I personally provide one on one support by telephone and internet (Skype) no matter where you are? I even pay for the call (by calling you). And for you recessionistas, I have a special low fee for your first session by phone or internet Reduced Introductory Session so you can try me out. I’ve actually reduced my fees in general to help my clients during this awful recession, and have phone/internet packages and rewards to help you save even more! There will never be a better time to begin than right now. Details Next Event MAKING LOVE Thu APR 16 8-10pm LGBT Center Free (Donation). Want more Ask Angelo advice? Want to Blog, Chat, Connect? Not yet a member? Register. Missed a Natty Newsletter? Sign in to the Members Area at AskAngelo.com and go to the Archives under your Mailing Lists tab.

 

Feel free to forward this e-zine to a friend. If they like it they can join to get it free at AskAngelo.com Win a free autographed copy of my book as a raffle prize. Anyone who joins our newsletter list or refers someone to our list in the next 30 days is entered.

Join LIFE…WHO’S HELPING WITH YOURS? LESSEN YOUR TROUBLES http://www.askangelo.com/ 

 

Supportively Yours,

Angelo Pezzote, MA, NCC, LMHC, LMFT, RPH

Tel (917) 673-5003 Manhattan, NY www.AskAngelo.com 

 

Editor’s note: As one of the best clinical psychotherapist, especially within the genre of gay, lesbian, bisexual, questioning, and transgender issues, Angelo Pezzote can undoubtedly help you with a broad range of concerns including: relationships, anxiety, depression, addiction, trauma (abuse), sexuality, and gender. He is available by appointment in-person, over the phone, or internet (Skype), which allows him to counsel any of my support group members no matter where you are throughout the country.

Dennis Schleicher

Best-Selling Author and Support Group Counselor

http://gayhusbands.wordpress.com/ 

Developing a Lasting Gay Relationship

Developing a Lasting Gay Relationship

by Dennis Schleicher

Like all relationships that list over a long period, gay partnerships change and evolve as the years pass, but the change can occur over time just might happen so gradual both partners may not realize they are happening, and misunderstandings can sometimes arise. As the gay society has many deep issues dealing with self-esteem and self-worth, accompanied by years of societal conditioning that lends itself to manifest externally through self-worth. Partners do not always pass from one stage of development of their relationship to the next at the same time, and so changes can be misinterpreted as a loss of interest. If, for instance, one partner is still in the passionate ‘honeymoon’ period of the relationship, craving sex at all times of day and night, while his partner has moved on to the less frantic second period, of their relationship development. Where the relationship emphasis is placed on home making along with developing a family, then there may be a mistaken perception that the relationship has run its course. Gay relationships can extend over many decades, or they may last only one night. Whether long or short term, they should be treated with respect, and that participates should mean not only to pleasure each other’s bodies, but to enhance each other’s mind, and spirits. When you share something of yourself with another person, it should enrich you both, and when you offer your bodies to each other, it should involve more than just the ambition to achieve an orgasm. It would be unrealistic to expect every sexual encounter to be a transcendental, life-changing experience. Sometimes there is no empathy, no concentration, no connection, no common ground between you and your partner, and you both except that you do not want to pursue your connection. However, when this occurs, you both should not treat yourselves with the lack of dignity that we deserve as human beings.

Please refer to my friends to book (Straight Acting) by Angelo Pezzote. Chapter 7, Solutions: how gay men can OPT OUT, Triumph and Thrive. Post your comments and tell us what you think???

Be Safe-

Dennis Schleicher

Best-selling author of an explosive and controversial memoir; (Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-Mail Diaries)

Buy Dennis Schleicher’s explosive and controversial memoir;

Straight Spouse Support

 Straight Spouse Support  

Support for The Other man, Wives of Gay Husbands and Straight Wives was designed to help and support parents, families, friends and the straight spouse as they come to terms with finding out their loved one was gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered.

It is hard enough for a parent to learn to cope with their child telling them that they are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.

It is also extremely hard for a wife or husband to learn that their partner and often parent to their children is gay, lesbian, bisexual or wishing to change their gender.

This website has been receiving questions from people who are a straight spouse, or like myself “The Other Man.”

Questions that are being asked are;

What help is available?
Am I the only one this has happened to?
What about their children?
Have they done something wrong? Etc, etc.

All very important questions that need to be addressed with care and correct information.

As a straight spouse, gay husband, the parents, families, friends, or the other man we all need some kind of support or have many questions.

This is not your fault and there is help out there as you are not the only one this is happening to. You have not done anything wrong.

Yes, you will need support and guidance and so will your partner and your children if you have any. Your partner has not given you this information to hurt you (even though you are hurt).
Your partner is trying to be honest with him/herself and you.

It doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t love you either. It is just that a heterosexual lifestyle is not right for him/her. Gay is not a choice.

I will give you the web site address to many support group called I use every day.

Straight Spouse;

This group will address the questions that you will want answered and give you the much needed support that will help you get through this.

 

http://www.straightspouse.org

 

www.gayhusbands.com

Straight Talk with Bonnie Kaye;Gay Husbands/Straight Wives – Info, help and counseling for women who discover that their husbands are gay/bisexual.The main USA one is

 

http://www.pflag.org

The Australian one is

 

http://www.pflag.org.au

 

This is so important as they understand what you are going through. And more importantly will help you get through it.

The one good thing about the net is you can be anywhere in the world and be capable of getting the appropriate help and support that is needed.

You should never feel alone!!!

Be Safe, Dennis Schleicher 

These groups are run by people who have been affected by having someone they love tell them they are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.

American Obsession with Masculinity

American Obsession with Masculinity

Growing up as a gay man in American society a male child learns early on the obvious superior position the more masculine the male the higher social standing he will likely attain by it is sheer virtue. It is very clear that the masculine male athlete is considered of the highest social standing. How Americans worship their male athletes is the prime example of this hyper-masculine obsession within American culture.

Having traveled all over the world but most particularly I have noticed in most of the northern European countries there isn’t quite the masculine obsession. Being a gay man, all gay men know what “gay-dar” is. Some heterosexual people may even have heard this term but don’t understand quite what it means. It means having almost a sixth sense about who is gay. Gay men tend to have pretty good gaydar that is clearly a learned behavior that is generally quite accurate. This is solely, I believe due to the phenomenon of the American masculine obsession. This obsession actually causes men that are not masculine by nature to become masculine acting by practice. You see it in our own former president who is clearly acting out a hyper masculine image. Bush was clearly acting like an American cowboy hero, holding is arms further away from his body than need be to give the impression of his arms being to muscular and bulky to hold them closer to his body. This learned behavior stems from insecurity I believe. However, conversely one does not often see this behavior within most European cultures because they don’t seem to have the hyper-masculine worship that we Americans have.

Perhaps we have it because of the history of how our country was founded. The reason why I mentioned gaydar is because in Europe my gaydar does not work well because many of the European men by American standards act effeminate. It is not that they are effeminate, that is once again only relative to American cultural standards by how we were taught to measure masculinity. European men just walk, talk and act much more naturally and without giving thought to whether they are perceived as being masculine or feminine. This then translates into the fear of being considered gay. The issue of masculine/feminine ought to be considered a neutral issue within a healthy culture that is not fraught with fear about being considered gay or straight.

Gay men I have observed over my many years of being an out gay man have even bought into this American hyper-masculine worship. They will often try and act masculine, and will on chat lines make certain that the gay man they are talking to knows that they are the masculine type. Most of us, whether gay or straight are somewhere in the middle. However, many men will practice trying to be, on the masculine scale. This is truly an interesting phenomenon. This is likely partly the reason why athletes have trouble “coming-out” of the closet because they will lose much of their social standing and adoration. We as Americans need to be more concerned about our ethics, morals and social decay rather than being so concerned about the way we were born to behave and what actually comes naturally to us.

Brokeback Mountain: Now a Major Motion Picture

Straight Acting: Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love

Androphilia: Rejecting the Gay Identity, Reclaiming Masculinity

 

“After years of living the lie of fierce heterosexuality in order to maintain his macho boy band image, former ‘NSync ladies man Lance Bass dropped a bombshell on everything we know about masculinity by revealing to People Magazine that he is actually gay. While we admire his courage and hope he is now able to live a happier life, many of us are still feeling a combination of shock, confusion and disillusionment. I mean, who’s next – Clay Aiken?”

By Dennis Schleicher
Best-selling Author of;
Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries

Online Dating! Do You Ever Ask Why He Noticed Your Profile?

Online Dating! Do You Ever Ask Why He Noticed Your Profile?

By Dennis Schleicher

You know you and your guy are getting pretty close when you’ve reached that stage in your relationship where you can talk about all of the funny/awkward/cute things that happened when you first met. I talk about this all of the time. One date in particular I was taken to a museum (cute) followed by dinner at a pretty artistic “restaurant” that has since, ahem, closed down (not-so cute). Just recently I asked my date what he initially noticed about me that made him interested. You’ll never guess what he said…

My style. Huh?! I immediately asked him if he thought that most guys online think style in a profile is important, and he said he did. But I wasn’t convinced. After we asked some of his friends, we decided that, really, only one or two of them would even notice what I was wearing.

Here’s the thing: Guys definitely check out bodies, right? (Duh.) So if you’re wearing clothing that shows off all of your assets, he’s going to take note of your profile. In the photo that caught his attention I was wearing a button-down shirt, and fashionable jeans with nice dress shoes. I was also informed that the vast selection of photos, offering different appearances, caught his attention.

So, then, why did he notice my style? Here’s the caveat: A select number of guys genuinely do appreciate a fashionable man. If your fella is artsy, if he’s an observant chap, if he takes pride in his own style, if he’s smart—and into you enough—to notice that it’s something you take pride in, or if he’s gay (kidding!) there’s a pretty good chance that your top-notch taste with your online profile will earn you some points and land your profile on the top of the list. The other plus for you chic Internet daters out there is that if you offer photos or wear a little something that’s interesting, or different, guys will usually send you an e-mail. After we make that initial connection. We are looking for every reason to keep our conversation flowing. So if you have some fresh a really cool and up to date photos that’s obviously not from these here parts, he’ll probably bring it up.

Tell me, guys, can you relate to this? What’s the first thing your guy noticed about your online profile? Does your man dig your style? Do you usually dress for you or your date? Do you ask your guy why he’s so into you? What do you notice first about guys? Have you ever changed your style for a guy? Or, have you asked him to dress differently for you?

Dennis Schleicher’s book Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-mail Diaries is Riveting. By Angelo Pezzote

Dear Angelo,

I love your blog (http://www.askangelo.blogspot.com). I found out about you as I am involved in a gay support group. I have an issue that I hope you can help address and clarify. Author Dennis Schleicher (Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-mail Diaries) is adamant that in order to be a part of his support network that we as gay married men all have to have goals. One of the goals is that we must plan to come out and come clean to our wives. I have an issue with this as I am not ready to come out to my wife and family. Why should I be segregated from his support group if I choose not to comply with his guidelines? I need his support group as it’s a great way for me to connect and hook up with other guys in my shoes. If he finds out that I do not have a plan, I’m afraid I will be asked to leave the group. This is just not fair! That’s my problem.

Signed, Married Gay Man

Dear Married Gay Man,

Coming out is not an event. It’s a lifelong process of overcoming learned shame and increasing self-acceptance. I advocate that all gay men must strive to come out – fully. No one can truly be happy and thrive in the shame and secrecy of being in the closet – fully or partially. (That includes Ted Haggard. You can watch my youtube video opinion on Ted at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcF9Q5ibacY.) The only way others will accept us is if we are brave enough to accept ourselves, being out. The most effective weapon against homophobia is being out. Those that know a gay person are more likely to be supportive of equal gay rights. So overall, I support Dennis’ position in principle and respect his right to have his rules. I am sure he has good reasons for them.

However, I also support your right to come out on your own timetable. I think as long as you’re striving for and working towards full disclosure as a goal, I think you should be allowed to remain in the group. If however, you have no intention of moving in that direction, then you should respect his group rules and withdraw. It’s a tough call. It’s like an alcoholic coming into treatment with me who isn’t ready for AA. Is it better for me to support him, meeting him where he’s at and guiding him toward recovery, or to refuse to treat him until he stops drinking and joins AA? For better or worse, I do the former, but the key is in either case – the client has to have to want to stop drinking. Similarly, you have to want to come out to be “treated.” But the “when” of it needs to be left up to you.

You’re not alone. Every gay man takes the journey from the closet to a life of authenticity. Coming out is the struggle that unites us as gay men.

Aside, Dennis Schleicher’s book Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-mail Diaries is riveting. At once the reader’s taken in, identifying with the author’s suffering for being different and his plight for love in a desert of intimacy called the gay community. Dennis writes (my composite),

I don’t like what the gay community has to offer. I’ve been to gay bars and find the people to be extremely clique-y and shallow and into themselves. I am so tired of dealing with the gay scene, the cattiness, the “I promise to call you,” or the “We have so much in common, where have you been my whole life?” Only to never hear from that other man again…the gay community isn’t emotionally available or stable. It is a natural desire and need I have, as a human being, to be physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually close with another person. Is this what all human man kind want’s? This is my history with gay men since I first came out–always searching for love but never finding the commitment that I am so desperately seeking. I have to tell you, I’ve been burned so many times by gay men, I’m questioning whether or not I’m actually gay. I’m not physically attracted to the female anatomy, but I’m attracted to the emotional stability that I have seen in my female friends.

As I write about in my own book Straight Acting – Gay Men, Masculinity, and Finding True Love, learned shame derived from heterosexism and gay stigma lead many gay men to tone down the signals that they’re gay and turn up “real man” traits to gain more acceptance. After all, if a guy’s too “out” he may face loss, social humiliation, and life threatening danger for being perceived as weak or “a fag.” This causes many men to hide, keeping their sexuality in the closet, or muting their “gayness” once their out. Either way, this tough straight acting facade blocks men from one another’s hearts, making building meaningful lasting relationships challenging to say the least.

Dennis takes us on his journey of how he was driven to look for love from a closeted married man because of the lack of emotional availability of many openly gay men. You don’t go to Holland to buy Tulips if they’re down at the corner store. He was further pushed to this extreme in his search for love by his experience of gay men’s mistreatment of one another. Dating a closeted married man was a desperate cry for help to be rescued from the pain of gay loneliness. He was seeking an oasis where he could fill his heart with some “real” intimacy. Being fed up with openly gay men, perhaps he felt it was the best he could hope for.

Many men like Dennis are walking around in a gay wasteland looking for love. They’re dazed in despair, crying out for love in an often hostile barren land. Their alienation is intensified not only because it’s hard for men to feel safe, supported, and comfortable enough in our society to love each other openly, but also because it’s hard for gay men to love themselves from all the rejection they face. Hence, many of us find ourselves all alone with a hole inside and a constant craving to fill it. We have a burning desire for love in a community that seems to have lack and limitation around it. Being alone, or single, only reinforces an underlying sense of inferiority ― that there’s something wrong with us.

Dennis’s book helps men understand how not being authentic not only hurts themselves, but hurts others who love them (wives, children, the other man). His crusade to help gay men be out and proud and to treat each other with love and respect is a must read for any man struggling with his sexuality and those that love them; A perfect compliment to Straight Acting – Gay Men, Masculinity, and Finding True Love.

All The Best, Angelo

——————————————————————————–

Get Angelo’s book “Straight Acting” In Book Stores Now!

Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.
The Gay Man’s Therapist

Do you have a question for Angelo to address in his column? Email ask@askangelo.com

Would you appreciate a safe supportive environment to talk about personal concerns? Get useful tools from a specialist who understands.

Podcasts, Teleseminars, Advice On Demand, Workshops, Groups and Private Practice Available. Manhattan, NY Office Tel: (917) 673-5003. www.AskAngelo.com

© Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C., All Rights Reserved

Why Is My Husband Gay? Did I Make Him Gay?

Why Is My Husband Gay? Did I Make Him Gay?
Over four million Americans are effected by an epidemic of relationship shifting that breaks traditional notions of what a couple is and what they should be. Men or women that have denied their true sexuality in order to follow the societal norm of the traditional marriage scenario are increasingly finding other options to fulfill who they really are. In that process of “coming out”, I’ve seen both men, women and children suffer the collateral damage of lives that will forever be changed. Through many support groups, both online and off, through books, including my own and through honest communication with each other, it is my intent to provide this as a place for any person involved in this kind of relationship to find safe haven.

By Dennis Schleicher
Author of;

What if Someone You Think Is Gay

What if Someone You Think Is Gay
Throughout the past couple of months I have been receiving some basic questions that I feel deserve attention. Therefore, most of society still lives in the dark ages wondering if gay is a choice? How did I become gay? What did they mean? Can prayer heal my sexual orientation? Therefore, I have composed the following;

What does “gay mean?Someone who is attracted to people of the same sex is Gay or homosexual. These words can refer to both men and women, although a lot of women prefer to be called lesbian. Someone who is attracted to people of the opposite sex is called heterosexual or straight. Someone who is attracted to people of and the opposite sex is called bisexual. Gay, straight, or bisexual are all the terms that describe persons sexual orientation or identity and sexual orientation simply refers to the sex (or gender) of the people you are attracted to. In other words, if your sexual orientation is Gay, then you are attracted to someone of the same sex.

How do you become gay?You cannot become gay, just like you cannot become straight. This is how it works: all of us have feelings of sexual attraction. Most of us have these feelings for people of the opposite sex. Some of us have these feelings for people of the same sex. Some people have feelings of sexual attraction for both the same sex and the opposite sex.

What exactly are “feelings of sexual attraction”?As we grow into adolescence, and our bodies change, we begin to have strong feelings of attraction that are different from and more intense then, the good feelings you might have for a relative or friend. It is the strong feelings of sexual attraction that make us want to have a sexual relationship with some of the same sex. These feelings began before puberty, and for others they do not calm until after we become full adults. These special feelings of excitement and desire are difficult to describe, but you will know them when you experience them.

Are gay people, able to become straight through prayer?
NO. Gay people cannot become straight through prayer. That Idea is just as unrealistic as thinking that heterosexual people become gay through prayer. Still, many people have encouraged their day children to pray for a healing to occur. Christian fundamentalists are the backbone for many gays believing in self-hatred that is associated with self-esteem and self-worth issues.

Reformed Straight Man” of the year, Ted Haggard, Posing as a Straight Man Born-AGAIN at least this week!

Ted Haggard

There is nothing wrong with being a gay man. There is something wrong with a gay man who is posing as a straight man—especially if he is your husband. This brings me to the most talked about “Reformed Straight Man” of the year, Ted Haggard.”

Ted Haggard was the head of the largest ecumenical church in America. For years, he was very much on the straight and narrow—until it was revealed that he wasn’t straight at all. He was “dethroned,” kicked out and put into exile after the news came out about his affair with a young man whom he claims there was no “real sex.” Whatever. For the next two years, the Haggard family wandered trying to find a way to live. Their multi-million dollar anti-homosexual operation was taken away from them—the one he created. He was left floundering through life, trying to find his way and where he fit. If I don’t sound sympathetic—well, I’m not. I have no sympathy for people who spew venom against homosexuality while practicing it themselves. But that’s me.

Anyway, Ted Haggard had a few pathetic years to dream up his newest money making scheme. He and his wife Gayle decided that they could give new false home to homosexuals by making them believe they have choices. Now Haggard hasn’t proclaimed he is gay—rather, “straight—with issues.” Of course those issues are homosexual issues. You know what I say—if you want a penis—you want “gay.” You can wrap it neatly in a box and call it whatever you want, but the bottom line is the bottom line.
What I resent about the Haggards is that they are putting back the whole issue of homosexuality 50 years. Through psychotherapy and prayer, a “straight man with issues” can lead a straight life. His wife Gayle bragged about their great sex life on national television to convince us of that. It’s that old line that even if people are gay, they can make choices. They can make a choice not to act on their homosexuality. I’m not quite sure how they can make a choice to make passionate love to their wives without having the ability to greatly fantasize that they are with a man, but maybe there’s a secret that hasn’t been revealed to me yet.

The sad thing is that the Haggards will make more money now than ever because they found the “solution” to the gay thing. This will give new fuel to all of those religious fanatics that believe homosexuality is a sin that doesn’t have to be acted on. This will drive religious gay men deeper into their closets than ever before. People will be paying the Haggards money to learn how to live this straight with issues life that certainly sounds better than “gay.” And so many more women will keep suffering while their husbands pretend they have “found the light” from the darkness they were lost in before Ted Haggard showed them the way.
Do I feel sorry for Gayle Haggard? No, not at all! She has found a comfortable way out of reality and a way to keep misleading women into staying in their ridiculous marriages. She will no doubt profit from the new prophet of “straight with issues.” She will teach women how to love their gay husbands unconditionally enough to help them refrain from their indiscretions that no doubt will continue to happen. She will also be financially rewarded for her false hopes that she is selling. Look, they already made an HBO special that will undoubtedly be followed by a hit book in the near future. They have to do something to make a living. Coping in the real world just didn’t seem to do it.

Ironically, the same week of the Haggards’ national appearances on every major media show, a movie was released on Lifetime called “Prayers for Bobby.” The show was about a deeply committed Christian woman, Mary Griffin, who did everything possible to try to change her son, Bobby’s, homosexuality into heterosexuality based on her strong religious faith after he came out to her in his late teens. At first, Bobby agreed to try everything from therapy to prayer to not be gay. In the end, he told his mother that he has no choice. She never stopped prodding him to keep trying lest he be damned forever, but he just couldn’t do it. In 1983, Bobby killed himself unable to live with the pressure. Mary went through her own “reformation” and became a great activist for gay rights as a leader in the PFLAG movement. (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) Mary, unlike Ted Haggard, understood the pain and torture of forcing something to happen that by nature can’t happen. This is the meaning of change—the way it should be.
Until people recognize that gay is not a choice and accept homosexuality for what it is, people will continue to lead tortured lives—especially the wives of gay men who can’t be honest or won’t be honest.

Ted Haggard, former Evangelical minister who was outted by a gay prostitute, resurfaced this week on television talk shows to promote his new book and a special on HBO. In exchange for a cash settlement of 12 months’ salary, Ted agreed to undergo ‘restorative’ therapy. The mega church he founded also demanded that Ted disappear – leave Colorado with his family, remain in exile and not talk to the press. After therapy by the ministry to restore Ted’s masculinity, and several months undergoing psychological therapy, Ted says he finally understands his sexuality. Ted now defines himself as “heterosexual with issues.” I tried looking that up, but it doesn’t appear anywhere on the Kinsey Scale of sexuality.
Listening to Ted’s wife is a lesson in denial and rationalization. Gayle Haggard says she rejects labels. “We don’t have to become our identity,” she stated on Oprah Winfrey’s show, “we can make choices.”
When Oprah asked Ted whether he was heterosexual or homosexual he denied being either. He explained that it is just too complicated to reduce to those terms. “I am a person.”
It seems that after two years of therapy, the only progress that has been made is Ted’s list of personal fables. He is no closer to the truth than he was when he hit on a young parishioner, or partied with drugs and hustlers. True, we do make choices in life and we must accept personal responsibility for our choices. However, sexual orientation is not a choice and it is very much a part of our identity. Ted’s refusal to accept his homosexuality and adapt to it was the only choice he made and it just continues the disingenuous narrative of Ted Haggard. Sadly he is stuck in that stage of denial and trying to cope with the cognitive dissonance between the truth of his sexuality and the public persona he chooses to project. Ted, like many gay husbands stuck in this phase, is driven by fear. In the HBO special Ted revealed that he fought against his sexuality all of his life because he feared loss of his friends, loss of the church and his ability to make a living. Living in isolation and without means to earn a living, Ted is facing his worst fears and he is dragging his wife and sons with him through his personal hell. Ironically, he has been forced into exile and isolation by the anti-homosexual monster he created. But the real victims here are his wife and his two teenage sons who have been dragged through the muck as a result of Ted’s personal demon.