“Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries
How often has it been said…
“Is he gay? He is married! He can’t be gay!”?
You would be surprised if your husband, the guy you married was emotionally or sexually involved with another man! Or would you care?
The chances are that if you are reading this blog, you are either gay lesbian or bisexual and possibly married, or possibly in a relationship with such a person who is married to the opposite sex.
The chances are that you are seeking to answer questions like “Is my husband gay or bisexual?” or “Is my wife a lesbian?” “Am I the other woman?” “Is my husband involved with another man?” “Is my spouse, secretly having an affair?”
The statistics are rather staggering, according to the 2001 U.S. Census figures show as many as 4 million Americans could be married or have been unknowingly married to a gay spouse living a double lifestyle. According to an explosion in the media it is suspected that it happens far more frequently than society would lead us to believe. In the majority of cases, the straight spouse might be totally unaware of the true sexuality of their partner. When and if they discover the whole truth, it can be devastating, often leading to a divorce of the marriage. But in some cases, particularly where the relationship between spouses is strong, the marriage can survive, although it is believed that only about 20 or 25% do survive. This is often the wife in denial with fear of letting go of comfortable patterns associated with self-esteem. With feelings of what did I do wrong in my marriage? Trust me when I say. It’s not the wives faults!!! There are marriages where one partner knew about the sexuality of the other partner before the marriage took place. Often with the spouse saying. “It happened when I was in high school,” or “it was just one time, it was only sex, it didn’t mean anything…”
What are your thoughts and opinions on married, bi, or gay men not coming out to their wives? How about the “Other Man,” what emotional ramifications does he face? Is it the gay community, so detached that it doesn’t matter?
My e-mail has been flooded with letters from the “Other Man,” looking for support and guidance as they emotionally got tangled with someone else’s husband.
Be Safe,
Dennis J. Schleicher
The author of ”Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries.”
gayhusbands
January 15, 2008 at 4:45 AM |
“Straight” women who were in relationships with “gay” men have experienced pain and confusion, sometimes even blame; this is true. Many “gay” men who entered into a marriage (or even a relationship) with a woman did not do so to hurt the woman. When the man finally “comes out” the woman is upset and distraught; sometimes to the point of gaining “revenge” on the male for “living a lie.” Perhaps the man fell in love with the compassion of the woman and felt obligated to marry her. Maybe the man felt it was his “duty” to have children, so he married a woman because [subconsciously] that was how he was raised – whether or not he realizes he is actually gay. Marriage…what is it? Many who get married pour boatloads of money and energy into the “wedding” never thinking about the “marriage.” Why MUST we (as a society) marry someone? What is the point? Why are taxes lower if we are married? What is marriage?
May 2, 2008 at 4:10 AM |
‘How I found out my husband is gay and why I begged him to stay’
By SADIE NICHOLAS
To the outside world, Anne and Philip Davis seemed like any other middle-aged, middle-class couple.
Home was a detached four-bedroom property in Kent (they’d downsized from a ‘country pile’ when their son, now 29, left home) and each had a successful career.
Philip was a member of the Rotary Club and they holidayed at their second home in Tuscany.
But this picture of an almost idyllic Home Counties life belied a shameful secret.
In 2003, after 25 years of marriage, Philip, 61, confessed he was bisexual – admitting to dalliances with both men and women throughout the marriage.
Anne Davis says that finding out her husband Philip had lied about his sexuality not only destroyed her future but also her past
But far from throwing her husband out, Anne, 60, begged him to stay.
In fact, they remained together in the marital home for another three years before she finally conceded that she could maintain the façade no longer.
“At the time, I couldn’t bear for us to part because my life with Philip was all I’d known,” says Anne, who now runs an internet beauty company from her home near Maidstone, Kent.
“Even now, only my closest friends know the truth about Philip. Other friends and family, unable to understand why I left him two years ago, tell me I should give him a second chance.
“They haven’t a clue that he’s gay, and I haven’t felt it’s my place to tell them.
“It’s Philip’s secret to share if he chooses. It’s ironic, because to them Philip is the victim in this.”
The couple first met and dated as teenagers, and even though 15 years passed before they re-ignited their romance as newly-divorced 30-year-olds, Anne felt there was nothing she didn’t know about her husband.
“We both married other people at 25, and divorced by 30,” Anne recalls. “We’d remained friends, exchanging cards and the odd phone call.
“When both marriages ended, the friendship intensified – as you might expect when two old friends find themselves in the same testing situation.
“We’d talk for hours on the phone and laughed at the same things. When you share a sense of humour, it has the effect of making you believe you also share the same outlook on life.
“Philip was terribly financially savvy, dependable and a terrific friend – the kind who’d listen and offer sound advice to any problems.
“And he had a vaguely dangerous streak about him, probably born of his love of motorbikes. I found that very appealing.
“Because we’d known each other for years, we could bypass all that ‘getting to know you’ business.
“Within three months, I’d moved from my home in Dorset to Kent to be with Philip.
“Six months later, in February 1979, we married in a register office. There was no grand proposal; we just agreed we would like to get married.
“So we did – with very little fuss and only our close family members present.”
Both workaholics – Anne was then a computer programmer and Philip an engineering boss employing 50 people – Anne describes their social life as “low key”.
She fell pregnant on honeymoon in the Lake District.
“I was such a career girl that I really didn’t care for having a family,” she recalls.
“But Philip made it clear before we got married that he would love a child, and, of course, I wanted to please my new husband.
“When Andrew was born, I adored him, but I didn’t take well to full-time motherhood. I was never going to be one of those mothers who gazed adoringly at her baby all day.
“When Andrew was one year old, we hired a nanny so I could return to work, and at the age of seven he went to boarding school.
“Life was pretty suburban. Philip mowed the lawn; I cooked dinner. We went on family holidays to Spain, to the school fetes, sailing and to the seaside.
“It never occurred to me that we wouldn’t grow old together.”
So what went so drastically wrong to arouse suspicions about her husband’s sexuality?
The dramatic turn of events that altered the course of Anne’s life for ever began six years ago.
“In 2002, an alarm bell sounded somewhere in my head. There was no drastic change in Philip, just an accumulation of things that didn’t add up.
“He’d tell me he was nipping to the shops, and then be gone for hours.
“One night, I waved him off to the Rotary Club – but the following day I bumped into one of his fellow Rotarians who told me Philip hadn’t-been to the meeting at all.
“When I confronted him, he said he’d gone to see a friend who needed someone to talk to. I felt unsettled.
“Could my husband be having an affair? Yet almost as soon as I’d begun to question things, Philip’s behaviour returned to normal, quashing any doubts I had.”
It was to be the home computer that led Anne to an altogether more alarming discovery.
“We each had our own computers,” she says, “but our financial information was stored on Philip’s, and I needed to access it one day when he was out.
“I clicked on the toolbar that listed all the websites my husband had been looking at and could barely catch my breath when I saw a gay porn site listed.”
Anne insists she had never previously had any doubts about her husband’s sexuality.
“I didn’t have a clue,” she says, shaking her head. “We had a good sex life. Philip wasn’t effeminate at all. In fact, he was such a private, fastidious person that I couldn’t reconcile homosexuality with his personality.
“I phoned Philip at his office and demanded to know what the hell was going on. ‘Don’t move, I’m coming home,’ he told me.
“I could almost hear the colour drain from his face.
“Back home, he blustered for half an hour or so, telling me he’d been bored one day and was ‘just looking at what was out there out of curiosity’.
“I didn’t buy his lame excuse and when, shortly afterwards, I discovered a stash of videos at the back of the wardrobe, I decided to take action.
“I couldn’t bring myself to watch them: it was obvious from the covers what sort of films they were.
“Confused, I bought a piece of software which, once downloaded onto his computer, enabled me to track exactly what websites my husband was visiting, as well as his email traffic. The software sent live reports to my own computer.
“My heart sank one day when he sent an email telling me how much he loved me – and in the next click of the mouse logged onto another gay porn site.
“In despair, I searched the internet for a support group and found something called the Straight Spouse Network.
“I was alarmed when one of their advisers told me that by the time a gay man starts looking at porn sites on the internet, he has usually already had homosexual encounters of his own. How could this be happening to us?
“In a bid to digest the information, I kept it to myself for a few weeks. But the final straw came when I discovered a gay porn DVD in the filing cabinet at home.
“Disgusted, I put the DVD on and left it playing ready for Philip when he arrived home from a trip to Germany.”
Anne recalls that despite mounting evidence to the contrary, her husband still denied that he was gay and insisted he wanted a happy family life.
“One minute he’d deny having done anything at all; the next he’d claim that whatever it was had been a ‘moment of madness’”, she says.
“In the next breath he’d blame me for his wrongdoings, telling me I was ‘obsessed with the truth’.”
But Anne’s torment was far from over. In fact, it was again to be the home computer that revealed the full extent of her husband’s clandestine double life.
“I found a confessional letter on Philip’s computer intended for our local priest, who had apparently suggested he write down the details of his torment,” Anne recalls.
“In it, Philip admitted to using female prostitutes not long after we married, and more on a business trip to the Middle East. And there was a confession of liaisons with men.
“I cried hysterically, screaming and yelling. My heart was breaking. ‘How could you do this to me?’ I raged.
‘How could you destroy our marriage and risk my health?’ He didn’t have any answers – he just kept repeating that he ‘didn’t want to be gay’.
“Over the following weeks, I listened aghast as he admitted that he’d had homosexual experiences as far back as his boarding school, and that latterly he’d had affairs with a male masseuse and a woman.
“I was utterly shocked and feared for my health. At 56, I did not expect to find myself in a sexual health clinic being tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.
“But I needed to know whether Philip had infected me with anything because, despite everything, we’d continued to have a regular sex life ourselves. Thankfully, my tests were clear.”
Confronted with such duplicity and sexual misadventure, why then did Anne, an intelligent, independent and financially secure woman, not throw her husband out of the marital home?
“It sounds unbelievable, but I didn’t want Philip to leave. I’d been with him for 25 years and our life together was everything to me.
“It was such a shock, and at the time I felt it would be easier for us to continue co-habiting than to part.
“I even felt sorry for Philip because he was clearly so very confused. I think part of this seemingly current ‘trend’ for married men in their 50s and 60s to ‘come out’ is that they grew up in the days when homosexuality was illegal.
“Many felt they had no option but to marry and conform, storing up long-term misery for themselves and the women involved.”
Extraordinary though it may seem that Anne chose to stay with her husband for a further three years, it’s far from unusual in such cases.
Although there are no statistics on the number or fate of such marriages in the UK, according to the Straight Spouse Network, there could be as many as two million gays and lesbians married to straight partners in the U.S.
One-third of such couples split up immediately the discovery is made; a third remain together for a year and then split; the remaining third try to stay together.
After three years, half of the last group are still together – a milestone not reached by Anne and Philip.
“Of course, there were stints in separate bedrooms – instigated by me,” says Anne.
“But all the time Philip kept telling me that he wanted to be with me. Stupidly, I believed him.
“But then I learned he’d gone to the clinic to be vaccinated against hepatitis C as a precaution because of the lifestyle he was pursuing. I was furious.
“I know women will find it hard to believe, but I still couldn’t face the destruction that would follow if we separated, nor the hurt it would cause to our son.
“So we went to Relate for counselling – only to be told they couldn’t deal with our particular marital problem.
“Two years ago, I decided I could not cope with the farce any more. I was having sleepless nights and lived in a state of permanent emotional turmoil. We sold our home and bought separate houses of our own.
“Even now, I don’t think Philip is happy. He certainly doesn’t have a regular partner. And although I’ve asked him to leave me alone now, he uses the slightest excuse to call, which can be very upsetting.
“Although we are still married, our divorce will be finalised as soon as we have sorted out our finances and assets, such as the house in Italy.
“I spend my life feeling puzzled and sad. I can’t fathom how someone can be married for all those years, living a lie, when they are gay. Even Philip admits now that he should never have married me.
“I didn’t expect to be alone again at 60. It’s not like I’m on the scrap heap, but all my security has been taken away and I don’t know that I’ll ever get it back.
“I’ve been on a few dates, and the men I’ve met have been gentle and caring. But dating isn’t wonderful.
“Philip has not just destroyed our future – he’s taken away my past. Everything I’d ever known and trusted in has been a lie.”
• The names in this article have been changed to protect the couple’s privacy.
Dennis Schleicher, thank you for all the work you do as the “Other Man,” your a good man.
July 18, 2009 at 6:21 PM |
Dear Sandi:
OMG!!!! Other than being in a different socio-economic strata, Ann and Phillip’s story could be mine! I just ran across some web-site “browsing” in March/April, and it has increased in frequency since then. He advertised in the outpersonals. I went for STD testing. I think the most disturbing part of the story was “when one of their advisers told me that by the time a gay man starts looking at porn sites on the internet, he has usually already had homosexual encounters of his own.” This really concerns me! As Ann did, I can look back now and think of “questionable” behaviors, evasions about the truth when asked directly about a questionable event, and now, outright lies.
I’ve been married 34 years, so I feel the same way about wanting to “try” to make it work, to keep the lifestyle I have —– yet wanting to get out quickly so no more time and emotional effort is wasted. I’m most angry about the dishonesty — even when we went to counseling, I told him I didn’t feel like we were even married (just roommates — we have barely any sex, and usually only if he’s been drinking), and he didn’t give a clue, just said that I “shouldn’t feel that way.” I’m in my mid-fifties, and don’t want to “start over” at 60.
Is there any way I could be put in touch with Ann? (you have my permission to give her my e-mail address, if you want, and she could contact me). I’m really hurting, and our stories / ages seem so similar, maybe she could help me NOT lose another three years of my life trying to figure out what to do!
July 23, 2009 at 5:23 AM
Linda,
My best friend and fellow author runs an internationally renowned support group for “Straight Wives.” Women who have unknowingly found themselves involved with the gay husband. Her name is Bonnie Kaye, the author of close to a dozen books on gay husbands, straight wives relationships. http://www.GayBusbands.com. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but a lot of women that have gone through your situation or have walked in your shoes will agree. If you walk like a dog, bark like a dog, well? Your husband will always be gay, and will continue to have tendencies. Bonnie Kaye can mentioned more as you may take part in her confidential support group chats. Her e-mail address is: BonKaye@aol.com
Be safe-
Dennis Schleicher
Author of an explosives and controversial memoir: “Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-mail Diaries.”
October 14, 2008 at 4:12 AM |
I am married to a woman with whom I love very much. Where my problem comes in is not that I miss being with a man becasue all those attempts have been how can we say it, lacking. We have built a life together, my wife and I, and we have had our share of ups and downs. I am sad becuase I wodner what it would have been like to have the same relationship I have now with my wife, but with a man.I wonder if I am alone in this? or do I need counseling. I have been sad and often depressed for the last few years. We have twin sons who just turned 15. They love me and I have never told them about my other life. after my wife and I were married, I secretly, unkowing to her, got tested every three months for AIDS. I have been negative and continue to be.
I guess my question to anyone is how do I deal with the quilt and the saddness of the lost life I could have had if the situation had presented itself.
October 15, 2008 at 8:06 AM |
My friend Tim,
The complexities that we deal with as gay married men living two lives are more of a struggle than anyone will ever understand unless they’re walking in our shoes. It wasn’t until I found the confidential support from Dennis Schleicher the author of “Forbidden Love with a Married Man” that i was able to find the love within myself to do the right thing by my wife of 13 years. I recommend contacting Dennis directly to join his confidential AOL chats to connect with other men. The group ranges from extremely closeted gay and/or bisexual men to those who have come out to their wives. Whatever the case there is absolutely no pressure. They hold no judgments on those gay husbands that choose never to come out. I do suggest not using your real name as it does show up on a Google search engines. By contacting Dennis he has the ability to remove your name. Strongly recommended if you’re not out.
You are not alone my friend as there is a whole underground world of secret married gay men. You have done the right thing by asking a group this question.
Some background on myself; I’m still secretly married to my wife of 13 years. At this time she does not now that I’m gay. I have a wonderful boyfriend who is extremely patient and understanding of my situation. We both are working on coming out to our wives so that we may continue to live the lives were used to as straight married gay men. In due time. Dennis has recommended some wonderful counselors within the NY area where I reside.
Best of luck and stay in touch,
strictly confidential……….. my screen name
October 23, 2008 at 2:49 AM |
Hi Dennis and all,
Just home from work feeling quiet low struggling to come to terms with my sexuality. Your book “Forbidden Love with a Married Man,” was GREAT!!!
The issue is i feel so isolated and alone
since coming out of a realtionship with a guy that was very undercover
and discreet. Probably knew the realtionship was not right for some
time but stayed as the fear of being alone again really did scare me. I
am out of a reltionship with my ex female partner for 6yrs now and
although ammicable now she does not know about my sexuality. We have a
lovely daughter nearly 12yrs whom i have shared care of and adore
deeply. I am sure my brief description rings true to many of you but
the isolation i feel is terrible. I have no real gay friends and very
few people know about my sexuality. These that know deal with it in
their own way but to be honest not too much support is shown to me as i
would have wished. I am probably rattling on now so i will close but
your support / advice would be very much appreciated if you can offer
me any. Thanks for taking the time to read my situation and if i can
offer you too any support (not sure what i could just yet) i would be
more than happy to return the favour.
Mark from the UK
October 23, 2008 at 9:15 AM |
There may be so many reasons someone feel to keep in the closet although I don’t feel it is necessary anymore in our day and age.
I have to add, though, that I wouldn’t mind marrying a gay man who prefers to keep in the closet. I have been single my whole life and am getting tired of it seeming “strange” to others. An arranged friendship “marriage” would be just fine for me, no strings attached, no demands and fully aware that he would be gay and he can have any boyfriends or relations he likes. Only thing important to me would be that we would have things in common so we can become good friends, he’d be in New York or Southern Cal.
I would not mind at all to marry a gay man. Not only would it be good for me “fitting in” in society, but as a single woman you often get excluded from invitations because everyone else is couples (!). So it would have many plus points for me as well, and hopefully for him if there is a need for him to keep his gay nature hidden for time being. And hey, if he changes his mind or I meet someone, there’s divorce – without disputes, arguments, dividing properties and what not.
Anything wrong with that?