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Why Gay Husbands Have Long Term Difficulty with Sex, Love, Romantic, and Suffer Rejection in Life

Why Gay Husbands Have Long Term Difficulty with Sex, Love, Romantic, and Suffer Rejection in Life
By Dennis Schleicher

This is now my 5th year working with Gay husbands, straight wives of gay men, and guys in love with gay married men, (The Other Man.) The difficulty gay men married men have sustaining serious, long-term romantic partnerships through the years that have kept many gay, or so-called Bi men in the closed form coming out as ‘gay.’ Up against society’s prejudice against homosexual love, I have observes, they’ve separated sex and love form their wives. As adolescents, gay men suffered the rejection of unrequited affection, but most formatively, they sustained emotional damage in childhood from paternal rejection and/or maternal inattentiveness to their feelings or disregard for their need for autonomy. The result is an inability to fall or stay in love, arising from deep-seated anxiety about dependency, lack of self-love and mistrust of another’s love that leads to gay, Bi, men feel and think that getting married to a women ‘will make them straight guys with wives.’

In the past 5 years I’ve analyzes dozens of case histories of chronically married gay male patients, tracing their attachment difficulties to childhood experiences with remote, rejecting or smothering parents. Though my married men’s support group being homosexual, weighs in on the same-sex marriage debate with the fear of coming out. Secondary argument—that the lack of a formally sanctioned structure further undermines gay commitment of a gay husband holds a real fear a complicated, cultural analysis will be frustrated.
The gay husbands will never find by his own reasoning the important emphasis on happiness found in a gay long term, loving relationships that can existed. The long term difficulty is the truth for any gay husband that will never come out of the closet and his mental health will be compromised for life as he lives a life of lies and dishonesty.

It is never too late to break free form a straight wife and let her free as you can find a romantic, loving gay relationship with no shame.

Be Safe-
Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries (Best-selling author of an explosives and controversial memoir )
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11 Responses to 'Why Gay Husbands Have Long Term Difficulty with Sex, Love, Romantic, and Suffer Rejection in Life'

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  1. David said,

    Just trying to get a handle on all this. Read your book, “Forbidden Love”. I’m just so tired of the daily struggle. You seem to be a “light at the end of the tunnel.”

    Thank You,

  2. Spedie said,

    I find this argument bullshit. There is no difference between a male hetero and a female hetero, who are married, where one spouse cheats. It is not the gay act, in itself, that kills a marriage or relationship.

    To try to analyze this from a homosexual perspective is offensive and not right to “out” homosexuals.

    There are 3 kinds of people on this planet, I define them as follows:

    1. Good people, who are honest;
    2. Bad people, who are not honest;
    3. Crazy people, who are just crazy.

    There is no in between here.

    I, for one, am a female, one hundred percent hetero (I KNOW, the statistics do not really say THAT), but I promise you, I am 100 percent all woman.

    I married a gay guy, who did not come out to me for 20 years. I had 2 kids, my only 2 kids from him. I never saw this problem coming.

    See, when he came out (the ass sent me an impersonal email, whilst I was at work), it was not the sex act, it was all the lying, the deceiving, the over ups, and letting me drag on for 20 freaking years that destroyed the marriage.

    I am a pretty tolerant person. I was born and raised in Southern California. I am 47 years old. I know gay people, out gay people, and they are nothing like the loathing sack of crap my ex is.

    See, it is not being gay. What really matters is being honest from the start, that matters, honest with your self, inside, and honest with your partner.

    I could of accepted my ex, early on if HE told me. At least I would have been given the opportunity to make a decision, based on those facts.

    He took all that from me. He also took my ability to be free of a disease that could kill me. He took all that away from me.

    I understand why it was so hard for him (he is now 51) and the social pressures, but I was his best friend, for years, or so I thought.

    I was not his best friend. I never was. I will never be.

    See, there are 3 types of people in this world:

    1. Good people, who are honest;
    2. Bad people, who are not honest;
    3. Crazy people, who are just crazy.

    I am now left to pick up the pieces. I have since helped two other women go through the same shock that I went through. This is my mission in life.

    To hell with the dishonest people, whether man or woman. I can deal with crazies.

  3. Bette said,

    You said it, Spedie! It has become painfully clear to me that my husband and my children’s father is gay (all those porn and meeting sites have been VERY educational!). What is tipping me out of this marriage, though, is the dishonesty, the lying, the obfuscation and the f’ing playing with my mind. Gay is gay; cheating is cheating, whatever side of the fence it’s on; but messing with my head is cruel and pathetic and puerile and selfish and really, really, REALLY annoying. The mewling denials in the face of neon-bright evidence and the bullying to get me to go back in my good-little-wife box and the risk-taking with no regard for my health are the things that have chewed up the love. He’s not the man I thought I knew – not because he’s gay but because he’s a lying, self-absorbed, cruel, cowardly chump who clearly thinks that I am a gullible idiot whose self-esteem is completely expendable.

  4. Spedie said,

    I hear ‘ya, Betty! I am right there, with ‘ya! I refused to go back in my little wife box also.

  5. Lorna said,

    I have been married to a man – 2nd marriage for both of us – for 18 years. From the start he could not climax with me and brought pornography into the picture to become aroused. He told me his previous wife was frigid and blamed her for his dependency on pornography. The years have been absolutely awful with him doing everything in his power to keep me at a distance. If I so much as touched him by mistake in bed he’d jerk away and tuck the sheet round him so there could be no physical contact. He’d make every excuse not to be physical with me – he was tired, he was ticklish, he had office work to sort out and so on. Sex was controlled by him – Saturday morning if he’d leered at his pornography magazines. I thought he was turned on by the young girls. Now I realise it was probably the men he was looking at. After 5 years I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and had to go onto medication. Realising this was because I was so unhappy I went to meditation and yoga classes as an alternative to medication. 5 years later the extremely limited sexual contact ended and for 8 years there has been no physical side to our marriage whatsoever. To keep me away from him he is verbally and mentally abusive toward me. He moved into the spare room a year ago. Despite 3 different marriage counsellors, he walked out whenever the sex issue came up for discussion. I finally confided in a friend and she mentioned that she thought he might be gay. I looked at this web site and the stories related to me were exactly like mine. I then went to see a counsellor on my own and he agreed that my husband is probably gay. We are both 67 years of age, heading for our retirement years. Starting a career again, especially for me will be extremely difficult but it looks as though we have to get out of this toxic relationship for both of our sakes. How do I broach the subject with this unreasonably homophobic man though? He has had friendships with a few gay men over the years and now in retrospect I think there was much more to his evenings away. He refuses to go back for counselling either so it’s going to be up to me to end this and move forward.

  6. Spedie said,

    Lorna: I have found this website helpful, it is primarily for straight spouses of gay people who are or were married:

    It is called the Straight Spouse Network.

  7. Hi,

    The reason why most gay husbands have problems is because the community does not encourage commitment and instead fosters sexual behaviors that are wacky and lead to HIV poz status.

    When I do gay dating and relationship advice coaching for gay men over 40 with my clients I advise them to keep control of sexual habits and find someone who can resist the temptation of bath houses and online hookups.


    • gayhusbands said,

      Hi Paul,
      I would love 2 send you some of the men in my support group? can you send me your info @
      Be Safe,
      Dennis Schleicher

  8. Chris Burnett said,

    I read the comments posted in late 2010 with a lot of interest. I’m a gay man, 60, who was finally pushed out of my 25-year marriage in 2001 after I told my wife I was gay. I don’t think it’s easy to generalize about these situations. I had three boys with my ex, and on the surface we had a wonderful family life. In the early years we even had a fairly normal sex life. But as time went on the fact I was more attracted to men than women just overwhelmed me, and I felt that I had to tell her. My sons are now in their late 20s and early 30s, and I still have an excellent relationship with my sons. In fact, my youngest son, 25, lives with me.

    The reason I think it’s tough to generalize is that everyone comes out differently. I was tormented inside, but I never had sex with other men and never developed a relationship prior to my divorce. Since then I’ve dated several guys, but sex, especially as I get older, isn’t really a big thing. Thus, in the 11 years since my divorce I haven’t really established a relationship. And as I move into my 60s I’m starting to think that having a relationship like I had with my ex wife, who I loved and still deeply care about, is getting a whole lot less likely. This makes me sad, and even my sons have said they wish I had a relationship. My ex wife got remarried four years ago, and in a sense we’ve both moved on, but there are definitely bruises that I still feel and I’m sure she feels. People generally consider me a really nice guy, and I’m glad I came out yet I’m also glad I had the chance to raise a nice family with my ex wife.

    It’s so much easier now to be openly gay, so I’m hoping no young person chooses the path I took. Yet that path also had its rewards, too.

    • Spedie said,

      See..that’s the problem with the gays, who marry straight spouses, use them for 25+ yrs, and then say they are “gay”. Do you know what you did to this woman? She gave you her youth, her beauty, her life, her children and then you come out as “gay”. How dishonest! You wasted her life, and didn’t even be honest with her, until the end! How selfish and self serving.

  9. Full Article said,

    Amazing webpage you have right here.

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