My gay husband: why it took so long for me to leave him

My gay husband: why it took so long for me to leave him
In a 1988 article that appeared in The Times, a reader revealed her anguish at discovering that her husband was gay. She has remained in the marriage since then. Now, in an open letter to her spouse, she explains why she is ending it.

Dear Peter,
I didn’t intend sending you this letter, but to use it only as a means of catharsis and, possibly, a justification to myself for the leap in the not-so-dark I’ll take once the house is sold and we start to live totally separately.

What made me change my mind was recalling that you said you were a little “confused” about my motives and reasons for such a serious step, radically changing a relationship that has spanned 40 years. You became angry and upset; yet you have often said in the past that you wouldn’t be able to tolerate our situation, were the roles reversed. So may I plead a little confusion also?

Maybe the simplest way of looking at the separation is to think of it as part of an evolving process. First there was your revelation that you were gay (which took me many years to accept), then, later, our decision to combine your need for liberty and a degree of licence with your determination to remain at the core of the family. This led to your move away to live in London during the week and our children and friends accepted the explanation that you were under pressure at work. But the truth of course left me with all kinds of imaginings: what were you doing, who had you been with when you came home to me on a Friday night?

As time passed and you established yourself as part of the gay community, your weekends at home became a moveable feast and emotionally you withdrew from me, no longer showing the same interest in my thoughts or feelings; my internal life. That was inevitable, I now see. And yet I felt I remained on your radar from habit, guilt, or as a refuge from your frequent emotional turmoil, drawing me in whether I liked it or not.

Somehow we had to deconstruct our notion of what a marriage is and create a relationship that could accommodate who we had become. I had to convince myself that your “other life” was only a threat to me if I allowed it to be; but this turned out to be a persistently difficult exercise and one that provoked frequent fiery discussion. You are an extremely honest person; also I think I invited your confidences to seek the reassurance, which I seldom got. It was a poisoned chalice: I was afraid of these spectral figures, these men who threatened my security; yet I thought that if you had the freedom to be with them then you would be nicer to me, a happier person and easier to be with. My instinct then was for self preservation, indistinguishable from my need to preserve the family unit. I had to learn acceptance, as did our children and friends when, later, we told them the truth.

Over the years we have tried to establish boundaries – you would continue to join in family occasions and to share our social life as a couple; I would meet and enjoy the company of your gay friends – although never the ones you were emotionally involved with. At the mixed parties we attended together you would occasionally forget which persona you inhabited – comfortably married spouse or gay social butterfly – with sometimes comical results.

But, in truth, you were probably trying to reconcile the irreconcilable: your gay life and your family life. I doubt if equal weight could be given to these two elements – one has to remain in the shadows, the other can grow in the sunlight. Only so much time and energy can be devoted to the pursuit of relationships (and/or sex) without other aspects of your life suffering. It seems to me your dedication to this need determines all aspects of your life leaving me to wonder about my role and identity within the marriage.

Am I wife? Legally, yes. Partner? Probably not. Lover? Certainly not. Confidante? I doubt it. Close friend? I hope so. Now you are probably going to scold me for trying to pigeonhole what we have, but I don’t have sufficient sense of myself in this. I can’t place myself in the hierarchy of your relationships, or try to compete with a “rival” because this life of yours is something completely apart. Your homosexuality is not negotiable and it permeates everything: the films you sometimes watch, the jokes you share, the clothes you wear – the prism through which you see the world. The potential for establishing an equilibrium within the marriage, which some of our friends now enjoy, perhaps after years of tension and difficulties, isn’t available to us.
The need to walk the line between preserving our life together and respecting your separate one has eventually proved too difficult. I am tired of treading on eggshells, trying to avoid any hint of possessiveness or pressure. I might ask if you were free to accept a dinner invitation to both of us from old friends and you would not want to commit, preferring to remain open to other possibilities, finding the division of loyalties irksome. Accommodating each other comes at too high an emotional price for both of us. So, what else is there, except friendship?

Explaining my decision to our friends isn’t easy: they have become used to our idiosyncratic domestic arrangements over the years, even though understanding how we have coped at all is almost beyond their grasp. Why would I suddenly choose to live independently, after all this time? They compare us with the conventional example of a husband who has affairs but still considers his wife the most important person in his life. But, of course, in our case, the opposite is true: you are continually looking for that man who could be the most important person in your life. That usually stops them in their tracks.

The children, now well-established in their own relationships and careers, can take a more detached view, for their focus has shifted.

What impresses you and me about them is the absence of taking sides, so common in the breakdown of relationships. As they dealt with the knowledge of your sexuality all those years ago, when in their late teens, so they will respect this new shift in their parents’ lives with maturity, empathy and discretion. With what remains of my life, therefore, I’d like to remove once and for all the shackles of expectation and assumption, the huge margin for misunderstanding and misjudgment, and hope that greater independence will allow us to respect and value each other much more.

I’ll never forget what a loving father and caring husband you were – and are still. Not all wives can say that. I hope I can now tuck the past away, beat back any resentment and concentrate on forming a close friendship with you for our own sakes and for our children and grandchildren. I don’t expect you to agree with or accept what I’ve said as your perspective must be very different. Even so. I hope what I’ve expressed is viewed neither as critical of you, nor insensitive to your heroic efforts to be true to yourself and supportive of me. What has partly sustained our relationship for such a long time has been a sincere attempt to understand our respective difficulties.
Love always, Gail

I felt despair after he told me

Here is the article written by Gail Fielding and published in The Times in 1988
About eight years ago, while holding me close, my husband told me that he was gay. For days after this revelation I wrestled with its implications, trying to recall looks or observations that should have sparked more than a suspicion.

Our three children involved us, our sex life continued, and my husband seemed unaltered: no horns or cloven hoofs. But one cannot always bury a timebomb of this magnitude for ever, although I am told there are “hundreds and hundreds” of gay husbands whose wives do not know of, or will not acknowledge, their husbands’ homosexuality.

Sometimes my wall of detachment would be breached. My husband developed shingles. Blandly the doctor observed that his immune system had broken down, not realising the crushing impact of his words, for Aids had just begun to haunt the researchers. Our eyes met in fear, but we could not discuss it, my wall was still too firmly in place. After recovering, and showing great courage, he took the test for Aids, happily negative. And if at coffee mornings, dinners or during the course of my work as a market researcher in unblemished Berkshire, someone sneered at gays or made the ritual remarks, my smile would be careful, my reactions noncommittal. Despite my terror – for that is what it was – I could not betray my husband by joining in.

Together we tackled the subject of homosexuality, my husband as homosexual and the implications for our marriage and children. Our teenage children, constantly at war with each other, are united in their love and respect for their father. But they share the preconceptions of their peers at the local comprehensive school.

For a while I hated gays, the camp and the subdued alike. Across a great divide there was territory I could not invade and could not understand.

I was very frightened. Eventually my despair was total, and yet I spoke to no one. Though I felt I could count on my friends’ support, was it fair to impose such a burden. They too would experience conflict and insecurity, a discomfort felt when views are challenged and affection tested. When I did tell some of them, gently encouraged by a marriage-guidance counsellor, filtering through the astonishment and disbelief was sympathy – for both of us.
For two years we attempted to establish a modus vivendi, some way of allowing my husband to be what he is without causing me too much pain.

It did not work: the combination of concessions (my perception) and constraints (his) were very difficult to reconcile. At present he loves and is loved in return. We are looking at separation, particularly how it will involve and affect the children (to tell or not to tell?) and are terrified of gambling with their emotional welfare. Professional opinion, however, seems to indicate that the sooner they are told of their father’s homosexuality the better, on the grounds that unexplained tension between parents is worse.

I do not want a separation but despair of a working alternative. If someone were to ask me if I would marry my husband again I would probably say “no”, but with hesitation. In so many ways my marriage has been an enriching experience. Clause 28 could encourage more cross-sexual marriages (homosexual married to heterosexual) because homosexuals will feel less secure about their sexual orientation. Those involved may not be as lucky as I.
This is long but good. Tell Gail Fielding what you think by posting your comments in our blog? I’m very proud of Gail.
Be Safe-
Dennis Schleicher

Married Man Seeks Same for Discreet Play

Married Man Seeks Same for Discreet Play

He has a loving wife, a small child—and sex with men on the side. How the Internet has made it easier than ever to lead a detection-proof double life.

By David Amsden www.nymag.com/news 

The man sitting across from me would like to tell me his name, but doing so is against his rules. He could tell me a fake name, he says, though not the one he typically uses when meeting a man in the middle of the day, since he has been using the same fake name for so long that it is almost real. Revealing it now would open him up to the potential of recognition, and, frankly, just imagining a scenario like that makes him wonder why he agreed to meet in the first place. He knows how he comes across. So shifty and paranoid. But he is not apologetic. Because when you live two separate lives, as he does, and when you have been maintaining these two separate lives for twenty years, as he has, coming across as shifty and paranoid is something of an inevitability.

     I will call him William Dockett, for clarity’s sake. Over the past few weeks, William and I have been e-mailing regularly. This is what I know about him: I know that he is in his early forties and that he lives and works in Manhattan, earning around $200,000 annually in a job he wishes he was more passionate about. I know that he is a registered Democrat who grew up in a nearby suburb. I know that he has been married a decade and that he is the father of a small child. And I know—here his life gets complicated—that when he is at work, and things are slow, he goes to Craigslist and, with a familiar mixture of guilt and resignation and excitement, clicks on the “men meeting men” section of the personals.

     It is hard to fathom, the notion of a gay man living a closeted life in New York City in 2007. The life of someone like William—who responded to a posting I placed on Craigslist identifying myself as a writer trying to understand the psyche of a still-closeted man—seems at the very least anachronistic. Typically, the “closet” brings to mind small towns, intensely religious communities, and, at the most cosmopolitan level, the lives of Jim McGreevey and Mark Foley: gay men operating in a world so inherently duplicitous that their choosing to lead a shadow life follows, sadly, a certain logic. And yet the thing about desire—frustratingly, thrillingly—is that few things are so resistant to reason and categorization. “I used to think I was bi, but now I really believe that I am gay and just was not in the right situation,” William wrote to me in an early message. “I think I like a particular kind of guy and when I went out looking I never found him, so I gravitated toward women. I found what I liked on the Internet, but I was already married.”

     We are meeting at a pub in the West Village, desolate at this midday hour, a location chosen because it is far removed, geographically and psychically, from where William lives and works. He is, as he refers to himself online, “average looking,” medium height, clean shaven, a little stocky but in decent shape. He’s wearing dark tapered slacks, a well-ironed pale-blue shirt, cuff links, and a pink tie that is flashy but by no means flamboyant, knotted half-English style. For weeks he has resisted the idea of talking in person. “I’m sorry,” he wrote, “but my life is a mess right now.” And later: “Why am I even talking to you?” Once he agreed to meet, he warned me, “You’re going to be disappointed. I’ve had to become very good at revealing very little.”

     He was not exaggerating. My questions are answered curtly, almost inaudibly. No, he is not religious. No, he was not raised in a religious or bigoted household. No, he does not think being attracted to men is “wrong.” No, it’s not that simple. This much he will allow: “This is not the life I was meant to live. I don’t know what that life is, what it looks like, but I know it’s not this. But I don’t think most people are living the life they think they were meant to live, so I don’t feel that bad.” I walk away from the lunch thinking that the most telling thing about the entire exchange is how little William is willing to tell. His paranoia is palpable, clearly consuming. Whatever the reason he decided to meet me in the first place—vanity, a desire to tell a few of his secrets, maybe even a subconscious wish to be discovered—I feel certain that he will not wish to meet again. But later that afternoon he sends me an e-mail: “I think I want to keep talking to you. I don’t know why, but I do.”

To read more go to; http://nymag.com/news/features/34985 & tell us what your think by posting your comments??? Do you think your man is Gay?

-Be Safe

Dennis Schleicher

Online Dating! Do You Ever Ask Why He Noticed Your Profile?

Online Dating! Do You Ever Ask Why He Noticed Your Profile?

By Dennis Schleicher

You know you and your guy are getting pretty close when you’ve reached that stage in your relationship where you can talk about all of the funny/awkward/cute things that happened when you first met. I talk about this all of the time. One date in particular I was taken to a museum (cute) followed by dinner at a pretty artistic “restaurant” that has since, ahem, closed down (not-so cute). Just recently I asked my date what he initially noticed about me that made him interested. You’ll never guess what he said…

My style. Huh?! I immediately asked him if he thought that most guys online think style in a profile is important, and he said he did. But I wasn’t convinced. After we asked some of his friends, we decided that, really, only one or two of them would even notice what I was wearing.

Here’s the thing: Guys definitely check out bodies, right? (Duh.) So if you’re wearing clothing that shows off all of your assets, he’s going to take note of your profile. In the photo that caught his attention I was wearing a button-down shirt, and fashionable jeans with nice dress shoes. I was also informed that the vast selection of photos, offering different appearances, caught his attention.

So, then, why did he notice my style? Here’s the caveat: A select number of guys genuinely do appreciate a fashionable man. If your fella is artsy, if he’s an observant chap, if he takes pride in his own style, if he’s smart—and into you enough—to notice that it’s something you take pride in, or if he’s gay (kidding!) there’s a pretty good chance that your top-notch taste with your online profile will earn you some points and land your profile on the top of the list. The other plus for you chic Internet daters out there is that if you offer photos or wear a little something that’s interesting, or different, guys will usually send you an e-mail. After we make that initial connection. We are looking for every reason to keep our conversation flowing. So if you have some fresh a really cool and up to date photos that’s obviously not from these here parts, he’ll probably bring it up.

Tell me, guys, can you relate to this? What’s the first thing your guy noticed about your online profile? Does your man dig your style? Do you usually dress for you or your date? Do you ask your guy why he’s so into you? What do you notice first about guys? Have you ever changed your style for a guy? Or, have you asked him to dress differently for you?

The Gay Man’s Therapist by Angelo Pezzote

Your Weekly Affirmtion: The sun is always shining behind the clouds, even if grey skies is all you can see. ~Angelo

All’s He Cares About Is Himself!

Dear Angelo,

I am in love with my friend but he doesn’t feel the same way about me. In fact, he’s very self-absorbed. All he cares about is himself. He doesn’t even treat me good, but he’s all I think about. I can’t imagine my life without him. I need him. I wish he could just see that I’m what he’s been looking for. I find myself really lonely, doubting myself and questioning things. I’m miserable, thinking of hurting myself, knowing I’ll never be able to be with him. I wonder if things will ever improve for me. I’m so confused right now. I don’t want to end up old and alone surrounded by cats and dogs.

Signed, Sinking Ship

 

Dear Sinking Ship,

I’m sorry you’re suffering through this awful situation. The pain of unrequited love can be excruciating and the ensuing grief can seem unbearable. I’m so glad you sent out this S.O.S. ! And you know what? Your use of humor at the end (“surrounded by cats and dogs”) tells me you’re going to be okay.

 

In the movie Titanic, Rose has to let go of Jack’s frozen hand (allowing him to sink underwater) to get rescued. The lesson is that sometimes we have to let go of something we love to save ourselves. It’s better for you to let him go and suffer the relatively short-term emotional pain rather than drawing out the misery of not having him. Anything less is masochistic.

 

As painful as it is, every time you think of him say, “I release you and wish you well.” Then ask yourself, “what do I need to do to take care of myself right now?” Then do that. You must believe that you’re trading this relationship in for a better one. The Universe is already directing the right guy to cross your path at the right time. Focus on that new love to come rather than on what didn’t work out.

 

I also suggest you call the Trevor Project (a 24/7 confidential gay suicide & crisis prevention helpline http://www.trevorproject.org ) immediately at 1-866-4-U-TREVOR or 1-866-488-7386. I also recommend you consult with mental health experts such as a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist. It’s also a good idea to attend a 12-step group such as CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous http://www.codependents.org ) or Al-Anon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org ) for self-care, learning how to keep the focus on yourself.

All The Best, Angelo.

Author of Straight Acting – Gay Men, Masculinity, And Finding True Love

http://www.askangelo.com

Life…Who’s Helping With Yours? Did you know I personally provide one on one support by telephone and internet (Skype) no matter where you are? I even pay for the call (by calling you). And for you recessionistas, I have a special low fee for your first session by phone or internet Reduced Introductory Session so you can try me out. I’ve actually reduced my fees in general to help my clients during this awful recession, and have phone/internet packages and rewards to help you save even more! There will never be a better time to begin than right now. Details Next Event MAKING LOVE Thu APR 16 8-10pm LGBT Center Free (Donation). Want more Ask Angelo advice? Want to Blog, Chat, Connect? Not yet a member? Register. Missed a Natty Newsletter? Sign in to the Members Area at AskAngelo.com and go to the Archives under your Mailing Lists tab.

 

Feel free to forward this e-zine to a friend. If they like it they can join to get it free at AskAngelo.com Win a free autographed copy of my book as a raffle prize. Anyone who joins our newsletter list or refers someone to our list in the next 30 days is entered.

Join LIFE…WHO’S HELPING WITH YOURS? LESSEN YOUR TROUBLES http://www.askangelo.com/ 

 

Supportively Yours,

Angelo Pezzote, MA, NCC, LMHC, LMFT, RPH

Tel (917) 673-5003 Manhattan, NY www.AskAngelo.com 

 

Editor’s note: As one of the best clinical psychotherapist, especially within the genre of gay, lesbian, bisexual, questioning, and transgender issues, Angelo Pezzote can undoubtedly help you with a broad range of concerns including: relationships, anxiety, depression, addiction, trauma (abuse), sexuality, and gender. He is available by appointment in-person, over the phone, or internet (Skype), which allows him to counsel any of my support group members no matter where you are throughout the country.

Dennis Schleicher

Best-Selling Author and Support Group Counselor

http://gayhusbands.wordpress.com/ 

American Obsession with Masculinity

American Obsession with Masculinity

Growing up as a gay man in American society a male child learns early on the obvious superior position the more masculine the male the higher social standing he will likely attain by it is sheer virtue. It is very clear that the masculine male athlete is considered of the highest social standing. How Americans worship their male athletes is the prime example of this hyper-masculine obsession within American culture.

Having traveled all over the world but most particularly I have noticed in most of the northern European countries there isn’t quite the masculine obsession. Being a gay man, all gay men know what “gay-dar” is. Some heterosexual people may even have heard this term but don’t understand quite what it means. It means having almost a sixth sense about who is gay. Gay men tend to have pretty good gaydar that is clearly a learned behavior that is generally quite accurate. This is solely, I believe due to the phenomenon of the American masculine obsession. This obsession actually causes men that are not masculine by nature to become masculine acting by practice. You see it in our own former president who is clearly acting out a hyper masculine image. Bush was clearly acting like an American cowboy hero, holding is arms further away from his body than need be to give the impression of his arms being to muscular and bulky to hold them closer to his body. This learned behavior stems from insecurity I believe. However, conversely one does not often see this behavior within most European cultures because they don’t seem to have the hyper-masculine worship that we Americans have.

Perhaps we have it because of the history of how our country was founded. The reason why I mentioned gaydar is because in Europe my gaydar does not work well because many of the European men by American standards act effeminate. It is not that they are effeminate, that is once again only relative to American cultural standards by how we were taught to measure masculinity. European men just walk, talk and act much more naturally and without giving thought to whether they are perceived as being masculine or feminine. This then translates into the fear of being considered gay. The issue of masculine/feminine ought to be considered a neutral issue within a healthy culture that is not fraught with fear about being considered gay or straight.

Gay men I have observed over my many years of being an out gay man have even bought into this American hyper-masculine worship. They will often try and act masculine, and will on chat lines make certain that the gay man they are talking to knows that they are the masculine type. Most of us, whether gay or straight are somewhere in the middle. However, many men will practice trying to be, on the masculine scale. This is truly an interesting phenomenon. This is likely partly the reason why athletes have trouble “coming-out” of the closet because they will lose much of their social standing and adoration. We as Americans need to be more concerned about our ethics, morals and social decay rather than being so concerned about the way we were born to behave and what actually comes naturally to us.

Brokeback Mountain: Now a Major Motion Picture

Straight Acting: Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love

Androphilia: Rejecting the Gay Identity, Reclaiming Masculinity

 

“After years of living the lie of fierce heterosexuality in order to maintain his macho boy band image, former ‘NSync ladies man Lance Bass dropped a bombshell on everything we know about masculinity by revealing to People Magazine that he is actually gay. While we admire his courage and hope he is now able to live a happier life, many of us are still feeling a combination of shock, confusion and disillusionment. I mean, who’s next – Clay Aiken?”

By Dennis Schleicher
Best-selling Author of;
Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries

“Is he gay? He is married! He can’t be gay!”?

“Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries“

How often has it been said…

“Is he gay? He is married! He can’t be gay!”?

You would be surprised if your husband, the guy you married was emotionally or sexually involved with another man!  Or would you care?

The chances are that if you are reading this blog, you are either gay lesbian or bisexual and possibly married, or possibly in a relationship with such a person who is married to the opposite sex.

The chances are that you are seeking to answer questions like “Is my husband gay or bisexual?” or “Is my wife a lesbian?” “Am I the other woman?”  “Is my husband involved with another man?”  “Is my spouse, secretly having an affair?” 

The statistics are rather staggering, according to the 2001 U.S. Census figures show as many as 4 million Americans could be married or have been unknowingly married to a gay spouse living a double lifestyle.  According to an explosion in the media it is suspected that it happens far more frequently than society would lead us to believe. In the majority of cases, the straight spouse might be totally unaware of the true sexuality of their partner. When and if they discover the whole truth, it can be devastating, often leading to a divorce of the marriage. But in some cases, particularly where the relationship between spouses is strong, the marriage can survive, although it is believed that only about 20 or 25% do survive.  This is often the wife in denial with fear of letting go of comfortable patterns associated with self-esteem.  With feelings of what did I do wrong in my marriage?  Trust me when I say.  It’s not the wives faults!!! There are marriages where one partner knew about the sexuality of the other partner before the marriage took place.  Often with the spouse saying.  “It happened when I was in high school,” or “it was just one time, it was only sex, it didn’t mean anything…”  

What are your thoughts and opinions on married, bi, or gay men not coming out to their wives?  How about the “Other Man,” what emotional ramifications does he face?  Is it the gay community, so detached that it doesn’t matter?   

My e-mail has been flooded with letters from the “Other Man,” looking for support and guidance as they emotionally got tangled with someone else’s husband. 

Be Safe,

Dennis J. Schleicher

The author of ”Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries.” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Power of Fear Leading to Closeted Gay Bi Married Husbands

Power of fear is at the basis of all negative emotions and actions.  It is why we lie, why we argue and have to be right all the time.  It’s the reason behind some people’s needs to be in control. It is the reason why people steal and the list goes on and on.  Controlling people are just very fearful people.  They may project a strong fearless front but that exactly what it is, it’s a front. They need to control their environment which generally plays out into their relationships as well because they become anxious or fearful if they things are not within their comfort zone.  I believe by knowing this about people it can empower you because you are likely actually stronger and less fearful than they are in reality.  Fear is the reason also of course why people choose to go into the closet, get married, developed a family or a house with a white picket fence in the SUV parked in the driveway and parked next to our BMW’s otherwise referred to as status symbols.

A quote from chapter two of my memoir, “Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-mail Diaries,” “typically, most children are brought up in a society where finding love in the opposite sex is bred into them.  They are taught to start a courtship, which will eventually lead to marriage and later on, children, a house with a white picket fence, a dog, an SUV and a double income family.”

Fearing that we may lose the love and companionship that all humans need for healthy emotional survival on many levels, because society has deemed this so. I believe it is a healthy and productive exercise to whenever you are feeling dis-ease or discomfort to know that it is about fear. Therefore it is important that we take the time and trace back through our thoughts what it is that we are in fear of that is causing this discomfort.  Generally what we fear is the not knowing of the outcome of a circumstance which is again why gay people generally go into the closet at least at first.  Some obviously for longer periods and end up following social expectations and marry causing more victims of our fears.  Being fearful can lead us to be deceptive and dishonest in our communications with others, leading to closeted gay Bi married men.

The most unfortunate issue about this is, we then don’t really have truly open hearted, rich and fulfilling relationships with people leaving us lonely in our private thoughts.  It is when we interact with people using our hearts we become less fearful and have more joyful lives. Leave the brain to math, science and technology when it comes to matters of relationships.  Use your heart openly and without fear as best you can. It takes practice. 

Most generally what we fear as I stated is the consequence of what may happen if I were truthful.  The consequence is almost never as bad as we expect it to be.  We need to ask ourselves what is our greatest fear if I am honest.  What is the very worst thing that can happen we need to ask ourselves?  Can we then survive the consequence of being truthful about our true selves and our true thoughts? The answer to that is, of course we can survive. There may be a period of discomfort. Even serious discomfort but we will survive.  People that choose suicide rather than being truthful about their true selves are choosing a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 

It is also a self act because it leaves the survivors unable to heal because they will always wonder what they could have done differently to prevent the tragedy.  Always remember is not always necessary to be right.  To we want peace or to we want to be right? Pick your battles carefully and use civility throughout the conflict resolution process.  Never name call. That is about control which is another word for fear.   Our fear in conflicts in not being right is generally about looking or feeling foolish. You actually look more foolish by maintaining that you are right when it’s obvious that you are not and you are being foolish if it is a silly disagreement anyway.  Be true to yourself and you will then be able to be true to others. For those of you that cannot build up the courage to come out to those you love and are a integral part of your lives you are cheating yourself and them of really knowing each other’s hearts and souls.  When you are out you will not have to edit you life anymore which is not only demeaning but exhausting. Your true self has just as much value as anyone.  So come on people.  Start asking yourself some of these questions.  You can handle the outcome of the truth when it is revealed I promise. 

Be Safe-

Dennis J. Schleicher

For more information refer to my book, “Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-Mail Diaries.”