My gay husband: why it took so long for me to leave him
In a 1988 article that appeared in The Times, a reader revealed her anguish at discovering that her husband was gay. She has remained in the marriage since then. Now, in an open letter to her spouse, she explains why she is ending it.

Dear Peter,
I didn’t intend sending you this letter, but to use it only as a means of catharsis and, possibly, a justification to myself for the leap in the not-so-dark I’ll take once the house is sold and we start to live totally separately.

What made me change my mind was recalling that you said you were a little “confused” about my motives and reasons for such a serious step, radically changing a relationship that has spanned 40 years. You became angry and upset; yet you have often said in the past that you wouldn’t be able to tolerate our situation, were the roles reversed. So may I plead a little confusion also?

Maybe the simplest way of looking at the separation is to think of it as part of an evolving process. First there was your revelation that you were gay (which took me many years to accept), then, later, our decision to combine your need for liberty and a degree of licence with your determination to remain at the core of the family. This led to your move away to live in London during the week and our children and friends accepted the explanation that you were under pressure at work. But the truth of course left me with all kinds of imaginings: what were you doing, who had you been with when you came home to me on a Friday night?

As time passed and you established yourself as part of the gay community, your weekends at home became a moveable feast and emotionally you withdrew from me, no longer showing the same interest in my thoughts or feelings; my internal life. That was inevitable, I now see. And yet I felt I remained on your radar from habit, guilt, or as a refuge from your frequent emotional turmoil, drawing me in whether I liked it or not.

Somehow we had to deconstruct our notion of what a marriage is and create a relationship that could accommodate who we had become. I had to convince myself that your “other life” was only a threat to me if I allowed it to be; but this turned out to be a persistently difficult exercise and one that provoked frequent fiery discussion. You are an extremely honest person; also I think I invited your confidences to seek the reassurance, which I seldom got. It was a poisoned chalice: I was afraid of these spectral figures, these men who threatened my security; yet I thought that if you had the freedom to be with them then you would be nicer to me, a happier person and easier to be with. My instinct then was for self preservation, indistinguishable from my need to preserve the family unit. I had to learn acceptance, as did our children and friends when, later, we told them the truth.

Over the years we have tried to establish boundaries – you would continue to join in family occasions and to share our social life as a couple; I would meet and enjoy the company of your gay friends – although never the ones you were emotionally involved with. At the mixed parties we attended together you would occasionally forget which persona you inhabited – comfortably married spouse or gay social butterfly – with sometimes comical results.

But, in truth, you were probably trying to reconcile the irreconcilable: your gay life and your family life. I doubt if equal weight could be given to these two elements – one has to remain in the shadows, the other can grow in the sunlight. Only so much time and energy can be devoted to the pursuit of relationships (and/or sex) without other aspects of your life suffering. It seems to me your dedication to this need determines all aspects of your life leaving me to wonder about my role and identity within the marriage.

Am I wife? Legally, yes. Partner? Probably not. Lover? Certainly not. Confidante? I doubt it. Close friend? I hope so. Now you are probably going to scold me for trying to pigeonhole what we have, but I don’t have sufficient sense of myself in this. I can’t place myself in the hierarchy of your relationships, or try to compete with a “rival” because this life of yours is something completely apart. Your homosexuality is not negotiable and it permeates everything: the films you sometimes watch, the jokes you share, the clothes you wear – the prism through which you see the world. The potential for establishing an equilibrium within the marriage, which some of our friends now enjoy, perhaps after years of tension and difficulties, isn’t available to us.
The need to walk the line between preserving our life together and respecting your separate one has eventually proved too difficult. I am tired of treading on eggshells, trying to avoid any hint of possessiveness or pressure. I might ask if you were free to accept a dinner invitation to both of us from old friends and you would not want to commit, preferring to remain open to other possibilities, finding the division of loyalties irksome. Accommodating each other comes at too high an emotional price for both of us. So, what else is there, except friendship?

Explaining my decision to our friends isn’t easy: they have become used to our idiosyncratic domestic arrangements over the years, even though understanding how we have coped at all is almost beyond their grasp. Why would I suddenly choose to live independently, after all this time? They compare us with the conventional example of a husband who has affairs but still considers his wife the most important person in his life. But, of course, in our case, the opposite is true: you are continually looking for that man who could be the most important person in your life. That usually stops them in their tracks.

The children, now well-established in their own relationships and careers, can take a more detached view, for their focus has shifted.

What impresses you and me about them is the absence of taking sides, so common in the breakdown of relationships. As they dealt with the knowledge of your sexuality all those years ago, when in their late teens, so they will respect this new shift in their parents’ lives with maturity, empathy and discretion. With what remains of my life, therefore, I’d like to remove once and for all the shackles of expectation and assumption, the huge margin for misunderstanding and misjudgment, and hope that greater independence will allow us to respect and value each other much more.

I’ll never forget what a loving father and caring husband you were – and are still. Not all wives can say that. I hope I can now tuck the past away, beat back any resentment and concentrate on forming a close friendship with you for our own sakes and for our children and grandchildren. I don’t expect you to agree with or accept what I’ve said as your perspective must be very different. Even so. I hope what I’ve expressed is viewed neither as critical of you, nor insensitive to your heroic efforts to be true to yourself and supportive of me. What has partly sustained our relationship for such a long time has been a sincere attempt to understand our respective difficulties.
Love always, Gail

I felt despair after he told me

Here is the article written by Gail Fielding and published in The Times in 1988
About eight years ago, while holding me close, my husband told me that he was gay. For days after this revelation I wrestled with its implications, trying to recall looks or observations that should have sparked more than a suspicion.

Our three children involved us, our sex life continued, and my husband seemed unaltered: no horns or cloven hoofs. But one cannot always bury a timebomb of this magnitude for ever, although I am told there are “hundreds and hundreds” of gay husbands whose wives do not know of, or will not acknowledge, their husbands’ homosexuality.

Sometimes my wall of detachment would be breached. My husband developed shingles. Blandly the doctor observed that his immune system had broken down, not realising the crushing impact of his words, for Aids had just begun to haunt the researchers. Our eyes met in fear, but we could not discuss it, my wall was still too firmly in place. After recovering, and showing great courage, he took the test for Aids, happily negative. And if at coffee mornings, dinners or during the course of my work as a market researcher in unblemished Berkshire, someone sneered at gays or made the ritual remarks, my smile would be careful, my reactions noncommittal. Despite my terror – for that is what it was – I could not betray my husband by joining in.

Together we tackled the subject of homosexuality, my husband as homosexual and the implications for our marriage and children. Our teenage children, constantly at war with each other, are united in their love and respect for their father. But they share the preconceptions of their peers at the local comprehensive school.

For a while I hated gays, the camp and the subdued alike. Across a great divide there was territory I could not invade and could not understand.

I was very frightened. Eventually my despair was total, and yet I spoke to no one. Though I felt I could count on my friends’ support, was it fair to impose such a burden. They too would experience conflict and insecurity, a discomfort felt when views are challenged and affection tested. When I did tell some of them, gently encouraged by a marriage-guidance counsellor, filtering through the astonishment and disbelief was sympathy – for both of us.
For two years we attempted to establish a modus vivendi, some way of allowing my husband to be what he is without causing me too much pain.

It did not work: the combination of concessions (my perception) and constraints (his) were very difficult to reconcile. At present he loves and is loved in return. We are looking at separation, particularly how it will involve and affect the children (to tell or not to tell?) and are terrified of gambling with their emotional welfare. Professional opinion, however, seems to indicate that the sooner they are told of their father’s homosexuality the better, on the grounds that unexplained tension between parents is worse.

I do not want a separation but despair of a working alternative. If someone were to ask me if I would marry my husband again I would probably say “no”, but with hesitation. In so many ways my marriage has been an enriching experience. Clause 28 could encourage more cross-sexual marriages (homosexual married to heterosexual) because homosexuals will feel less secure about their sexual orientation. Those involved may not be as lucky as I.
This is long but good. Tell Gail Fielding what you think by posting your comments in our blog? I’m very proud of Gail.
Be Safe-
Dennis Schleicher

Married Man Seeks Same for Discreet Play

He has a loving wife, a small child—and sex with men on the side. How the Internet has made it easier than ever to lead a detection-proof double life.

By David Amsden www.nymag.com/news 

The man sitting across from me would like to tell me his name, but doing so is against his rules. He could tell me a fake name, he says, though not the one he typically uses when meeting a man in the middle of the day, since he has been using the same fake name for so long that it is almost real. Revealing it now would open him up to the potential of recognition, and, frankly, just imagining a scenario like that makes him wonder why he agreed to meet in the first place. He knows how he comes across. So shifty and paranoid. But he is not apologetic. Because when you live two separate lives, as he does, and when you have been maintaining these two separate lives for twenty years, as he has, coming across as shifty and paranoid is something of an inevitability.

     I will call him William Dockett, for clarity’s sake. Over the past few weeks, William and I have been e-mailing regularly. This is what I know about him: I know that he is in his early forties and that he lives and works in Manhattan, earning around $200,000 annually in a job he wishes he was more passionate about. I know that he is a registered Democrat who grew up in a nearby suburb. I know that he has been married a decade and that he is the father of a small child. And I know—here his life gets complicated—that when he is at work, and things are slow, he goes to Craigslist and, with a familiar mixture of guilt and resignation and excitement, clicks on the “men meeting men” section of the personals.

     It is hard to fathom, the notion of a gay man living a closeted life in New York City in 2007. The life of someone like William—who responded to a posting I placed on Craigslist identifying myself as a writer trying to understand the psyche of a still-closeted man—seems at the very least anachronistic. Typically, the “closet” brings to mind small towns, intensely religious communities, and, at the most cosmopolitan level, the lives of Jim McGreevey and Mark Foley: gay men operating in a world so inherently duplicitous that their choosing to lead a shadow life follows, sadly, a certain logic. And yet the thing about desire—frustratingly, thrillingly—is that few things are so resistant to reason and categorization. “I used to think I was bi, but now I really believe that I am gay and just was not in the right situation,” William wrote to me in an early message. “I think I like a particular kind of guy and when I went out looking I never found him, so I gravitated toward women. I found what I liked on the Internet, but I was already married.”

     We are meeting at a pub in the West Village, desolate at this midday hour, a location chosen because it is far removed, geographically and psychically, from where William lives and works. He is, as he refers to himself online, “average looking,” medium height, clean shaven, a little stocky but in decent shape. He’s wearing dark tapered slacks, a well-ironed pale-blue shirt, cuff links, and a pink tie that is flashy but by no means flamboyant, knotted half-English style. For weeks he has resisted the idea of talking in person. “I’m sorry,” he wrote, “but my life is a mess right now.” And later: “Why am I even talking to you?” Once he agreed to meet, he warned me, “You’re going to be disappointed. I’ve had to become very good at revealing very little.”

     He was not exaggerating. My questions are answered curtly, almost inaudibly. No, he is not religious. No, he was not raised in a religious or bigoted household. No, he does not think being attracted to men is “wrong.” No, it’s not that simple. This much he will allow: “This is not the life I was meant to live. I don’t know what that life is, what it looks like, but I know it’s not this. But I don’t think most people are living the life they think they were meant to live, so I don’t feel that bad.” I walk away from the lunch thinking that the most telling thing about the entire exchange is how little William is willing to tell. His paranoia is palpable, clearly consuming. Whatever the reason he decided to meet me in the first place—vanity, a desire to tell a few of his secrets, maybe even a subconscious wish to be discovered—I feel certain that he will not wish to meet again. But later that afternoon he sends me an e-mail: “I think I want to keep talking to you. I don’t know why, but I do.”

To read more go to; http://nymag.com/news/features/34985 & tell us what your think by posting your comments??? Do you think your man is Gay?

-Be Safe

Dennis Schleicher

Online Dating! Do You Ever Ask Why He Noticed Your Profile?

By Dennis Schleicher

You know you and your guy are getting pretty close when you’ve reached that stage in your relationship where you can talk about all of the funny/awkward/cute things that happened when you first met. I talk about this all of the time. One date in particular I was taken to a museum (cute) followed by dinner at a pretty artistic “restaurant” that has since, ahem, closed down (not-so cute). Just recently I asked my date what he initially noticed about me that made him interested. You’ll never guess what he said…

My style. Huh?! I immediately asked him if he thought that most guys online think style in a profile is important, and he said he did. But I wasn’t convinced. After we asked some of his friends, we decided that, really, only one or two of them would even notice what I was wearing.

Here’s the thing: Guys definitely check out bodies, right? (Duh.) So if you’re wearing clothing that shows off all of your assets, he’s going to take note of your profile. In the photo that caught his attention I was wearing a button-down shirt, and fashionable jeans with nice dress shoes. I was also informed that the vast selection of photos, offering different appearances, caught his attention.

So, then, why did he notice my style? Here’s the caveat: A select number of guys genuinely do appreciate a fashionable man. If your fella is artsy, if he’s an observant chap, if he takes pride in his own style, if he’s smart—and into you enough—to notice that it’s something you take pride in, or if he’s gay (kidding!) there’s a pretty good chance that your top-notch taste with your online profile will earn you some points and land your profile on the top of the list. The other plus for you chic Internet daters out there is that if you offer photos or wear a little something that’s interesting, or different, guys will usually send you an e-mail. After we make that initial connection. We are looking for every reason to keep our conversation flowing. So if you have some fresh a really cool and up to date photos that’s obviously not from these here parts, he’ll probably bring it up.

Tell me, guys, can you relate to this? What’s the first thing your guy noticed about your online profile? Does your man dig your style? Do you usually dress for you or your date? Do you ask your guy why he’s so into you? What do you notice first about guys? Have you ever changed your style for a guy? Or, have you asked him to dress differently for you?

American Obsession with Masculinity

Growing up as a gay man in American society a male child learns early on the obvious superior position the more masculine the male the higher social standing he will likely attain by it is sheer virtue. It is very clear that the masculine male athlete is considered of the highest social standing. How Americans worship their male athletes is the prime example of this hyper-masculine obsession within American culture.

Having traveled all over the world but most particularly I have noticed in most of the northern European countries there isn’t quite the masculine obsession. Being a gay man, all gay men know what “gay-dar” is. Some heterosexual people may even have heard this term but don’t understand quite what it means. It means having almost a sixth sense about who is gay. Gay men tend to have pretty good gaydar that is clearly a learned behavior that is generally quite accurate. This is solely, I believe due to the phenomenon of the American masculine obsession. This obsession actually causes men that are not masculine by nature to become masculine acting by practice. You see it in our own former president who is clearly acting out a hyper masculine image. Bush was clearly acting like an American cowboy hero, holding is arms further away from his body than need be to give the impression of his arms being to muscular and bulky to hold them closer to his body. This learned behavior stems from insecurity I believe. However, conversely one does not often see this behavior within most European cultures because they don’t seem to have the hyper-masculine worship that we Americans have.

Perhaps we have it because of the history of how our country was founded. The reason why I mentioned gaydar is because in Europe my gaydar does not work well because many of the European men by American standards act effeminate. It is not that they are effeminate, that is once again only relative to American cultural standards by how we were taught to measure masculinity. European men just walk, talk and act much more naturally and without giving thought to whether they are perceived as being masculine or feminine. This then translates into the fear of being considered gay. The issue of masculine/feminine ought to be considered a neutral issue within a healthy culture that is not fraught with fear about being considered gay or straight.

Gay men I have observed over my many years of being an out gay man have even bought into this American hyper-masculine worship. They will often try and act masculine, and will on chat lines make certain that the gay man they are talking to knows that they are the masculine type. Most of us, whether gay or straight are somewhere in the middle. However, many men will practice trying to be, on the masculine scale. This is truly an interesting phenomenon. This is likely partly the reason why athletes have trouble “coming-out” of the closet because they will lose much of their social standing and adoration. We as Americans need to be more concerned about our ethics, morals and social decay rather than being so concerned about the way we were born to behave and what actually comes naturally to us.

Brokeback Mountain: Now a Major Motion Picture

Straight Acting: Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love

Androphilia: Rejecting the Gay Identity, Reclaiming Masculinity

“After years of living the lie of fierce heterosexuality in order to maintain his macho boy band image, former ‘NSync ladies man Lance Bass dropped a bombshell on everything we know about masculinity by revealing to People Magazine that he is actually gay. While we admire his courage and hope he is now able to live a happier life, many of us are still feeling a combination of shock, confusion and disillusionment. I mean, who’s next – Clay Aiken?”

By Dennis Schleicher
Best-selling Author of;
Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries

“Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries“

How often has it been said…

“Is he gay? He is married! He can’t be gay!”?

You would be surprised if your husband, the guy you married was emotionally or sexually involved with another man!  Or would you care?

The chances are that if you are reading this blog, you are either gay lesbian or bisexual and possibly married, or possibly in a relationship with such a person who is married to the opposite sex.

The chances are that you are seeking to answer questions like “Is my husband gay or bisexual?” or “Is my wife a lesbian?” “Am I the other woman?”  “Is my husband involved with another man?”  “Is my spouse, secretly having an affair?” 

The statistics are rather staggering, according to the 2001 U.S. Census figures show as many as 4 million Americans could be married or have been unknowingly married to a gay spouse living a double lifestyle.  According to an explosion in the media it is suspected that it happens far more frequently than society would lead us to believe. In the majority of cases, the straight spouse might be totally unaware of the true sexuality of their partner. When and if they discover the whole truth, it can be devastating, often leading to a divorce of the marriage. But in some cases, particularly where the relationship between spouses is strong, the marriage can survive, although it is believed that only about 20 or 25% do survive.  This is often the wife in denial with fear of letting go of comfortable patterns associated with self-esteem.  With feelings of what did I do wrong in my marriage?  Trust me when I say.  It’s not the wives faults!!! There are marriages where one partner knew about the sexuality of the other partner before the marriage took place.  Often with the spouse saying.  “It happened when I was in high school,” or “it was just one time, it was only sex, it didn’t mean anything…”  

What are your thoughts and opinions on married, bi, or gay men not coming out to their wives?  How about the “Other Man,” what emotional ramifications does he face?  Is it the gay community, so detached that it doesn’t matter?   

My e-mail has been flooded with letters from the “Other Man,” looking for support and guidance as they emotionally got tangled with someone else’s husband. 

Be Safe,

Dennis J. Schleicher

The author of ”Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries.” 

20 Things to Consider before Coming Out 

By Dennis J. Schleicher

www.HonestOpinion.US 

Coming–out is a lifelong process.  It is also a very big, brave and lifelong decision.  Here are some things to consider before coming out. 

• Be clear about your own feelings about being gay.  If you are still dealing with a lot of guilt or depression, seek professional help in getting over that before coming out to parents or other non-gay people.  If you are comparable with your own gayness, those to whom you come out to will often see that fact and be aided in their own renewed acceptance to you.

• Timing can be very important in coming out.  Be aware of the health, mood, priorities and problems of those with whom you would like to share your sexuality.  The mid-life crisis of parents, the relationship problems of friends, the business concerns of employers and countless other factors over which you have no control can affect another’s receptivity to your information.

• Never come out during an argument.  Never use coming out as a weapon.  Never encourage parents to feel guilty for having “caused” your sexual orientation –because they didn’t.  As I always say “being gay is not a choice being honest about is a choice.”

• When coming out to parents or family tried to affirm mutual caring and loving before launching into your announcements about your gay or lesbian life.

• Be prepared that your revelation may surprise, anger or upset other people, at first.  Try not to react angrily or defensively.  Tried to let other people be honest about their initial feelings even if they are not negative.  Remember that the initial reaction will not likely be a long-term one.  Ultimately, the individuals who have really faced and dealt with their homophobia may be far more supportive than those who gave an immediate but superficial expression of support.

• Emphasize that you are still the same person.  You were gay yesterday, and we’ll be gay tomorrow.  If you were responsible and caring yesterday, likewise, you will be loving and responsible tomorrow.

• Keep lines of communication open with people after you, how to them — even if their response is negative.  Respond to their questions and remember that they are probably in the process of reexamining the math and stereotypes about gay people which we all have learned from our culture.

• Be sure that you are well informed about homosexuality both the pros and cons as there’s many great things and being “out,” there’s many negative things to consider as well call it is a fact your employment, family members, children, and old friends.  Within the gay culture.  It tends to be much cattiness which I associate to societal upbringing or a lack of education within the community.  Both straight and gay.

•  Read some good books about the subject and share them with individuals to whom you have come out.

• Encourage your parents or others to whom you come out to meet some of your lesbian and gay friends.

• Remember that it takes many gay men and lesbians are very long time to come to terms with their own sexuality, and even longer to decide to share.  The fact with others.  When you come out to non-gay people, be prepared to give them time to adjust and to comprehend the new information about you.  Don’t expect immediate acceptance.  Look for ongoing, caring dialogue.

• If you are rejected by someone to whom you have come out.  Do not lose sight of their own self worth remember that you’re coming out was a guest of sharing an important part of yourself, which that person has chosen to reject.  If rejection does come, consider whether the relationship was really worthwhile.  Is any relationship so important that it must continue an atmosphere of dishonesty and hiding?  Was the person really your friend or simply a friend of someone he or she imagined you to be?

• This will be your true test as to who your real friends are. Prepare yourself for a shift amongst friends.  Some will be overly supportive, while others might as well be left behind as the wind blows through. 

• Remember also that the loss of a friend is not the end of the world.  Coming-out discussions must be made cautiously, but integrity and self-respect are extremely important in the long run.

• A casual or offhand approach often works best in the work mates and relatives.  Sometimes a conversational situation can be avoided simply by being honest and conversational way, about whom you live with and date, and how you may spend your leisure time.  The other person is given a chance to recognize circumstances of your life and to admit to your homosexuality without being obligated to make some immediate response on this issue.

• Remember that the decision to come out is yours.  Don’t be guilt-trapped into it by people who think that everyone must come out or by snooping people who ask important questions.  You can usually decide when, where, how, and to whom you wish to come out.  At this stage in our society, full public declarations about one’s sexuality are not necessarily the best decision for most people.  Often times the gay culture wants everyone to be “Outed.”  Not necessarily the best decision to make based on society pressures.  There are many other emotions to take into consideration, which is why I believe it’s best to seek professional advice on developing a prudent roadmap.  Almost like developing a business plan or a proposal.  We’re launching a new concept at a shareholders meeting.

• Trying not to let your family and close friends find out about your gayness from third parties such as neighbors or the media.  Try to tell them personally before hand.

• Whenever you come out, reflect upon the experience and learn from.  I always find it is therapeutic to keep a journal as years later, you can reflect on your life’s journeys.

• Never let yourself be pressured into coming out before you are ready.

• Coming out is one of the most difficult things we do in our lives.  It is not for everyone!  It won’t always go well, but most of the time it is a very freeing experience.  Be sure you have a network of positive friends and/or support groups that you can turn to for advice, use them as a sounding board during the ups and downs.  Use friends who will want to support your positive experience during the coming out process.  Just remember you’re not alone, all is well…

Be Safe-

Dennis Schleicher

Recommended Books 

1)    For more information on coming out, please refer to my book.   “Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries” 

2)    “Why Gay Men Do What They Do,” By Aaron J. Silver  

3)    “The Velvet Rage” by Alan Downs