Married Man Seeks Same for Discreet Play

He has a loving wife, a small child—and sex with men on the side. How the Internet has made it easier than ever to lead a detection-proof double life.

By David Amsden www.nymag.com/news 

The man sitting across from me would like to tell me his name, but doing so is against his rules. He could tell me a fake name, he says, though not the one he typically uses when meeting a man in the middle of the day, since he has been using the same fake name for so long that it is almost real. Revealing it now would open him up to the potential of recognition, and, frankly, just imagining a scenario like that makes him wonder why he agreed to meet in the first place. He knows how he comes across. So shifty and paranoid. But he is not apologetic. Because when you live two separate lives, as he does, and when you have been maintaining these two separate lives for twenty years, as he has, coming across as shifty and paranoid is something of an inevitability.

     I will call him William Dockett, for clarity’s sake. Over the past few weeks, William and I have been e-mailing regularly. This is what I know about him: I know that he is in his early forties and that he lives and works in Manhattan, earning around $200,000 annually in a job he wishes he was more passionate about. I know that he is a registered Democrat who grew up in a nearby suburb. I know that he has been married a decade and that he is the father of a small child. And I know—here his life gets complicated—that when he is at work, and things are slow, he goes to Craigslist and, with a familiar mixture of guilt and resignation and excitement, clicks on the “men meeting men” section of the personals.

     It is hard to fathom, the notion of a gay man living a closeted life in New York City in 2007. The life of someone like William—who responded to a posting I placed on Craigslist identifying myself as a writer trying to understand the psyche of a still-closeted man—seems at the very least anachronistic. Typically, the “closet” brings to mind small towns, intensely religious communities, and, at the most cosmopolitan level, the lives of Jim McGreevey and Mark Foley: gay men operating in a world so inherently duplicitous that their choosing to lead a shadow life follows, sadly, a certain logic. And yet the thing about desire—frustratingly, thrillingly—is that few things are so resistant to reason and categorization. “I used to think I was bi, but now I really believe that I am gay and just was not in the right situation,” William wrote to me in an early message. “I think I like a particular kind of guy and when I went out looking I never found him, so I gravitated toward women. I found what I liked on the Internet, but I was already married.”

     We are meeting at a pub in the West Village, desolate at this midday hour, a location chosen because it is far removed, geographically and psychically, from where William lives and works. He is, as he refers to himself online, “average looking,” medium height, clean shaven, a little stocky but in decent shape. He’s wearing dark tapered slacks, a well-ironed pale-blue shirt, cuff links, and a pink tie that is flashy but by no means flamboyant, knotted half-English style. For weeks he has resisted the idea of talking in person. “I’m sorry,” he wrote, “but my life is a mess right now.” And later: “Why am I even talking to you?” Once he agreed to meet, he warned me, “You’re going to be disappointed. I’ve had to become very good at revealing very little.”

     He was not exaggerating. My questions are answered curtly, almost inaudibly. No, he is not religious. No, he was not raised in a religious or bigoted household. No, he does not think being attracted to men is “wrong.” No, it’s not that simple. This much he will allow: “This is not the life I was meant to live. I don’t know what that life is, what it looks like, but I know it’s not this. But I don’t think most people are living the life they think they were meant to live, so I don’t feel that bad.” I walk away from the lunch thinking that the most telling thing about the entire exchange is how little William is willing to tell. His paranoia is palpable, clearly consuming. Whatever the reason he decided to meet me in the first place—vanity, a desire to tell a few of his secrets, maybe even a subconscious wish to be discovered—I feel certain that he will not wish to meet again. But later that afternoon he sends me an e-mail: “I think I want to keep talking to you. I don’t know why, but I do.”

To read more go to; http://nymag.com/news/features/34985 & tell us what your think by posting your comments??? Do you think your man is Gay?

-Be Safe

Dennis Schleicher

20 Things to Consider before Coming Out 

By Dennis J. Schleicher

www.HonestOpinion.US 

Coming–out is a lifelong process.  It is also a very big, brave and lifelong decision.  Here are some things to consider before coming out. 

• Be clear about your own feelings about being gay.  If you are still dealing with a lot of guilt or depression, seek professional help in getting over that before coming out to parents or other non-gay people.  If you are comparable with your own gayness, those to whom you come out to will often see that fact and be aided in their own renewed acceptance to you.

• Timing can be very important in coming out.  Be aware of the health, mood, priorities and problems of those with whom you would like to share your sexuality.  The mid-life crisis of parents, the relationship problems of friends, the business concerns of employers and countless other factors over which you have no control can affect another’s receptivity to your information.

• Never come out during an argument.  Never use coming out as a weapon.  Never encourage parents to feel guilty for having “caused” your sexual orientation –because they didn’t.  As I always say “being gay is not a choice being honest about is a choice.”

• When coming out to parents or family tried to affirm mutual caring and loving before launching into your announcements about your gay or lesbian life.

• Be prepared that your revelation may surprise, anger or upset other people, at first.  Try not to react angrily or defensively.  Tried to let other people be honest about their initial feelings even if they are not negative.  Remember that the initial reaction will not likely be a long-term one.  Ultimately, the individuals who have really faced and dealt with their homophobia may be far more supportive than those who gave an immediate but superficial expression of support.

• Emphasize that you are still the same person.  You were gay yesterday, and we’ll be gay tomorrow.  If you were responsible and caring yesterday, likewise, you will be loving and responsible tomorrow.

• Keep lines of communication open with people after you, how to them — even if their response is negative.  Respond to their questions and remember that they are probably in the process of reexamining the math and stereotypes about gay people which we all have learned from our culture.

• Be sure that you are well informed about homosexuality both the pros and cons as there’s many great things and being “out,” there’s many negative things to consider as well call it is a fact your employment, family members, children, and old friends.  Within the gay culture.  It tends to be much cattiness which I associate to societal upbringing or a lack of education within the community.  Both straight and gay.

•  Read some good books about the subject and share them with individuals to whom you have come out.

• Encourage your parents or others to whom you come out to meet some of your lesbian and gay friends.

• Remember that it takes many gay men and lesbians are very long time to come to terms with their own sexuality, and even longer to decide to share.  The fact with others.  When you come out to non-gay people, be prepared to give them time to adjust and to comprehend the new information about you.  Don’t expect immediate acceptance.  Look for ongoing, caring dialogue.

• If you are rejected by someone to whom you have come out.  Do not lose sight of their own self worth remember that you’re coming out was a guest of sharing an important part of yourself, which that person has chosen to reject.  If rejection does come, consider whether the relationship was really worthwhile.  Is any relationship so important that it must continue an atmosphere of dishonesty and hiding?  Was the person really your friend or simply a friend of someone he or she imagined you to be?

• This will be your true test as to who your real friends are. Prepare yourself for a shift amongst friends.  Some will be overly supportive, while others might as well be left behind as the wind blows through. 

• Remember also that the loss of a friend is not the end of the world.  Coming-out discussions must be made cautiously, but integrity and self-respect are extremely important in the long run.

• A casual or offhand approach often works best in the work mates and relatives.  Sometimes a conversational situation can be avoided simply by being honest and conversational way, about whom you live with and date, and how you may spend your leisure time.  The other person is given a chance to recognize circumstances of your life and to admit to your homosexuality without being obligated to make some immediate response on this issue.

• Remember that the decision to come out is yours.  Don’t be guilt-trapped into it by people who think that everyone must come out or by snooping people who ask important questions.  You can usually decide when, where, how, and to whom you wish to come out.  At this stage in our society, full public declarations about one’s sexuality are not necessarily the best decision for most people.  Often times the gay culture wants everyone to be “Outed.”  Not necessarily the best decision to make based on society pressures.  There are many other emotions to take into consideration, which is why I believe it’s best to seek professional advice on developing a prudent roadmap.  Almost like developing a business plan or a proposal.  We’re launching a new concept at a shareholders meeting.

• Trying not to let your family and close friends find out about your gayness from third parties such as neighbors or the media.  Try to tell them personally before hand.

• Whenever you come out, reflect upon the experience and learn from.  I always find it is therapeutic to keep a journal as years later, you can reflect on your life’s journeys.

• Never let yourself be pressured into coming out before you are ready.

• Coming out is one of the most difficult things we do in our lives.  It is not for everyone!  It won’t always go well, but most of the time it is a very freeing experience.  Be sure you have a network of positive friends and/or support groups that you can turn to for advice, use them as a sounding board during the ups and downs.  Use friends who will want to support your positive experience during the coming out process.  Just remember you’re not alone, all is well…

Be Safe-

Dennis Schleicher

Recommended Books 

1)    For more information on coming out, please refer to my book.   “Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries” 

2)    “Why Gay Men Do What They Do,” By Aaron J. Silver  

3)    “The Velvet Rage” by Alan Downs