The Gay Man’s Therapist by Angelo Pezzote

Your Weekly Affirmtion: The sun is always shining behind the clouds, even if grey skies is all you can see. ~Angelo

All’s He Cares About Is Himself!

Dear Angelo,

I am in love with my friend but he doesn’t feel the same way about me. In fact, he’s very self-absorbed. All he cares about is himself. He doesn’t even treat me good, but he’s all I think about. I can’t imagine my life without him. I need him. I wish he could just see that I’m what he’s been looking for. I find myself really lonely, doubting myself and questioning things. I’m miserable, thinking of hurting myself, knowing I’ll never be able to be with him. I wonder if things will ever improve for me. I’m so confused right now. I don’t want to end up old and alone surrounded by cats and dogs.

Signed, Sinking Ship

 

Dear Sinking Ship,

I’m sorry you’re suffering through this awful situation. The pain of unrequited love can be excruciating and the ensuing grief can seem unbearable. I’m so glad you sent out this S.O.S. ! And you know what? Your use of humor at the end (“surrounded by cats and dogs”) tells me you’re going to be okay.

 

In the movie Titanic, Rose has to let go of Jack’s frozen hand (allowing him to sink underwater) to get rescued. The lesson is that sometimes we have to let go of something we love to save ourselves. It’s better for you to let him go and suffer the relatively short-term emotional pain rather than drawing out the misery of not having him. Anything less is masochistic.

 

As painful as it is, every time you think of him say, “I release you and wish you well.” Then ask yourself, “what do I need to do to take care of myself right now?” Then do that. You must believe that you’re trading this relationship in for a better one. The Universe is already directing the right guy to cross your path at the right time. Focus on that new love to come rather than on what didn’t work out.

 

I also suggest you call the Trevor Project (a 24/7 confidential gay suicide & crisis prevention helpline http://www.trevorproject.org ) immediately at 1-866-4-U-TREVOR or 1-866-488-7386. I also recommend you consult with mental health experts such as a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist. It’s also a good idea to attend a 12-step group such as CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous http://www.codependents.org ) or Al-Anon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org ) for self-care, learning how to keep the focus on yourself.

All The Best, Angelo.

Author of Straight Acting – Gay Men, Masculinity, And Finding True Love

http://www.askangelo.com

Life…Who’s Helping With Yours? Did you know I personally provide one on one support by telephone and internet (Skype) no matter where you are? I even pay for the call (by calling you). And for you recessionistas, I have a special low fee for your first session by phone or internet Reduced Introductory Session so you can try me out. I’ve actually reduced my fees in general to help my clients during this awful recession, and have phone/internet packages and rewards to help you save even more! There will never be a better time to begin than right now. Details Next Event MAKING LOVE Thu APR 16 8-10pm LGBT Center Free (Donation). Want more Ask Angelo advice? Want to Blog, Chat, Connect? Not yet a member? Register. Missed a Natty Newsletter? Sign in to the Members Area at AskAngelo.com and go to the Archives under your Mailing Lists tab.

 

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Supportively Yours,

Angelo Pezzote, MA, NCC, LMHC, LMFT, RPH

Tel (917) 673-5003 Manhattan, NY www.AskAngelo.com 

 

Editor’s note: As one of the best clinical psychotherapist, especially within the genre of gay, lesbian, bisexual, questioning, and transgender issues, Angelo Pezzote can undoubtedly help you with a broad range of concerns including: relationships, anxiety, depression, addiction, trauma (abuse), sexuality, and gender. He is available by appointment in-person, over the phone, or internet (Skype), which allows him to counsel any of my support group members no matter where you are throughout the country.

Dennis Schleicher

Best-Selling Author and Support Group Counselor

http://gayhusbands.wordpress.com/ 

American Obsession with Masculinity

American Obsession with Masculinity

Growing up as a gay man in American society a male child learns early on the obvious superior position the more masculine the male the higher social standing he will likely attain by it is sheer virtue. It is very clear that the masculine male athlete is considered of the highest social standing. How Americans worship their male athletes is the prime example of this hyper-masculine obsession within American culture.

Having traveled all over the world but most particularly I have noticed in most of the northern European countries there isn’t quite the masculine obsession. Being a gay man, all gay men know what “gay-dar” is. Some heterosexual people may even have heard this term but don’t understand quite what it means. It means having almost a sixth sense about who is gay. Gay men tend to have pretty good gaydar that is clearly a learned behavior that is generally quite accurate. This is solely, I believe due to the phenomenon of the American masculine obsession. This obsession actually causes men that are not masculine by nature to become masculine acting by practice. You see it in our own former president who is clearly acting out a hyper masculine image. Bush was clearly acting like an American cowboy hero, holding is arms further away from his body than need be to give the impression of his arms being to muscular and bulky to hold them closer to his body. This learned behavior stems from insecurity I believe. However, conversely one does not often see this behavior within most European cultures because they don’t seem to have the hyper-masculine worship that we Americans have.

Perhaps we have it because of the history of how our country was founded. The reason why I mentioned gaydar is because in Europe my gaydar does not work well because many of the European men by American standards act effeminate. It is not that they are effeminate, that is once again only relative to American cultural standards by how we were taught to measure masculinity. European men just walk, talk and act much more naturally and without giving thought to whether they are perceived as being masculine or feminine. This then translates into the fear of being considered gay. The issue of masculine/feminine ought to be considered a neutral issue within a healthy culture that is not fraught with fear about being considered gay or straight.

Gay men I have observed over my many years of being an out gay man have even bought into this American hyper-masculine worship. They will often try and act masculine, and will on chat lines make certain that the gay man they are talking to knows that they are the masculine type. Most of us, whether gay or straight are somewhere in the middle. However, many men will practice trying to be, on the masculine scale. This is truly an interesting phenomenon. This is likely partly the reason why athletes have trouble “coming-out” of the closet because they will lose much of their social standing and adoration. We as Americans need to be more concerned about our ethics, morals and social decay rather than being so concerned about the way we were born to behave and what actually comes naturally to us.

Brokeback Mountain: Now a Major Motion Picture

Straight Acting: Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love

Androphilia: Rejecting the Gay Identity, Reclaiming Masculinity

 

“After years of living the lie of fierce heterosexuality in order to maintain his macho boy band image, former ‘NSync ladies man Lance Bass dropped a bombshell on everything we know about masculinity by revealing to People Magazine that he is actually gay. While we admire his courage and hope he is now able to live a happier life, many of us are still feeling a combination of shock, confusion and disillusionment. I mean, who’s next – Clay Aiken?”

By Dennis Schleicher
Best-selling Author of;
Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries

Can You Be Heterosexual?

Can You Be Heterosexual?

Well, yes, or at least act like you are. This is how I see it: Gay is Gay. Heterosexual is Heterosexual. Many of the men I meet with that have same-gender sexual orientation choose for many kinds of reasons not to express their feelings of attraction and consciously decide to live a heterosexual life and pose as “straight.” Does this mean your husband is gay? Well, if you bark like a dog and walk like one. What do you think? I can go on and on about my inner wisdom on gay men behaving as straight, as I see it every day with my work as the “other man.”

 

“Is he gay? He is married! He can’t be gay!”?

“Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries“

How often has it been said…

“Is he gay? He is married! He can’t be gay!”?

You would be surprised if your husband, the guy you married was emotionally or sexually involved with another man!  Or would you care?

The chances are that if you are reading this blog, you are either gay lesbian or bisexual and possibly married, or possibly in a relationship with such a person who is married to the opposite sex.

The chances are that you are seeking to answer questions like “Is my husband gay or bisexual?” or “Is my wife a lesbian?” “Am I the other woman?”  “Is my husband involved with another man?”  “Is my spouse, secretly having an affair?” 

The statistics are rather staggering, according to the 2001 U.S. Census figures show as many as 4 million Americans could be married or have been unknowingly married to a gay spouse living a double lifestyle.  According to an explosion in the media it is suspected that it happens far more frequently than society would lead us to believe. In the majority of cases, the straight spouse might be totally unaware of the true sexuality of their partner. When and if they discover the whole truth, it can be devastating, often leading to a divorce of the marriage. But in some cases, particularly where the relationship between spouses is strong, the marriage can survive, although it is believed that only about 20 or 25% do survive.  This is often the wife in denial with fear of letting go of comfortable patterns associated with self-esteem.  With feelings of what did I do wrong in my marriage?  Trust me when I say.  It’s not the wives faults!!! There are marriages where one partner knew about the sexuality of the other partner before the marriage took place.  Often with the spouse saying.  “It happened when I was in high school,” or “it was just one time, it was only sex, it didn’t mean anything…”  

What are your thoughts and opinions on married, bi, or gay men not coming out to their wives?  How about the “Other Man,” what emotional ramifications does he face?  Is it the gay community, so detached that it doesn’t matter?   

My e-mail has been flooded with letters from the “Other Man,” looking for support and guidance as they emotionally got tangled with someone else’s husband. 

Be Safe,

Dennis J. Schleicher

The author of ”Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries.” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Power of Fear Leading to Closeted Gay Bi Married Husbands

Power of fear is at the basis of all negative emotions and actions.  It is why we lie, why we argue and have to be right all the time.  It’s the reason behind some people’s needs to be in control. It is the reason why people steal and the list goes on and on.  Controlling people are just very fearful people.  They may project a strong fearless front but that exactly what it is, it’s a front. They need to control their environment which generally plays out into their relationships as well because they become anxious or fearful if they things are not within their comfort zone.  I believe by knowing this about people it can empower you because you are likely actually stronger and less fearful than they are in reality.  Fear is the reason also of course why people choose to go into the closet, get married, developed a family or a house with a white picket fence in the SUV parked in the driveway and parked next to our BMW’s otherwise referred to as status symbols.

A quote from chapter two of my memoir, “Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-mail Diaries,” “typically, most children are brought up in a society where finding love in the opposite sex is bred into them.  They are taught to start a courtship, which will eventually lead to marriage and later on, children, a house with a white picket fence, a dog, an SUV and a double income family.”

Fearing that we may lose the love and companionship that all humans need for healthy emotional survival on many levels, because society has deemed this so. I believe it is a healthy and productive exercise to whenever you are feeling dis-ease or discomfort to know that it is about fear. Therefore it is important that we take the time and trace back through our thoughts what it is that we are in fear of that is causing this discomfort.  Generally what we fear is the not knowing of the outcome of a circumstance which is again why gay people generally go into the closet at least at first.  Some obviously for longer periods and end up following social expectations and marry causing more victims of our fears.  Being fearful can lead us to be deceptive and dishonest in our communications with others, leading to closeted gay Bi married men.

The most unfortunate issue about this is, we then don’t really have truly open hearted, rich and fulfilling relationships with people leaving us lonely in our private thoughts.  It is when we interact with people using our hearts we become less fearful and have more joyful lives. Leave the brain to math, science and technology when it comes to matters of relationships.  Use your heart openly and without fear as best you can. It takes practice. 

Most generally what we fear as I stated is the consequence of what may happen if I were truthful.  The consequence is almost never as bad as we expect it to be.  We need to ask ourselves what is our greatest fear if I am honest.  What is the very worst thing that can happen we need to ask ourselves?  Can we then survive the consequence of being truthful about our true selves and our true thoughts? The answer to that is, of course we can survive. There may be a period of discomfort. Even serious discomfort but we will survive.  People that choose suicide rather than being truthful about their true selves are choosing a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 

It is also a self act because it leaves the survivors unable to heal because they will always wonder what they could have done differently to prevent the tragedy.  Always remember is not always necessary to be right.  To we want peace or to we want to be right? Pick your battles carefully and use civility throughout the conflict resolution process.  Never name call. That is about control which is another word for fear.   Our fear in conflicts in not being right is generally about looking or feeling foolish. You actually look more foolish by maintaining that you are right when it’s obvious that you are not and you are being foolish if it is a silly disagreement anyway.  Be true to yourself and you will then be able to be true to others. For those of you that cannot build up the courage to come out to those you love and are a integral part of your lives you are cheating yourself and them of really knowing each other’s hearts and souls.  When you are out you will not have to edit you life anymore which is not only demeaning but exhausting. Your true self has just as much value as anyone.  So come on people.  Start asking yourself some of these questions.  You can handle the outcome of the truth when it is revealed I promise. 

Be Safe-

Dennis J. Schleicher

For more information refer to my book, “Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-Mail Diaries.”

 

“Another Aspect of the Tangles that Married Gay Men find Themselves in, what Happens to the Other Man? ……”

     Periodically, myself the author of an explosives and controversial memoir “Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-Mail Diaries.” and founder of several support groups and international lecturer, receives e-mails from the “other man” or the “other woman”. These terms, because of their link to an affair outside the marriage, tend to have a stigma attached to them. Perhaps their rights will change with time.
     These people, emotionally or romantically attached to another person who is already married, are often more concerned about the well being of that person, than about their own well being. That is ok to a point, but there is an old saying:
     “Never, ever get involved with a married person”
This paints a particularly black picture, but this is deliberate.
     Many single people become the “other person” in a love triangle because of what their heart is telling them, but more often than not, because they do not know the whole truth about their new friend, who has withheld the information that they are already married. This is where the lies start. They are not necessarily intentional lies – they are what they want the other person to hear.
     With the discovery of the marital status, there could be promises that the married person will leave their spouse and children, and come and live with the “other man or person”. Such promises are rarely fulfilled.
     The reason for never ever getting involved with a married person is that in the majority of cases, the married person will never leave the marital nest unless forced to do so. They want their cake and eat it too.
     This can lead to a lot of pain and hurt for the “other man”, to frustration and to lost time, when they could be perhaps finding someone else who is not married to spend their life with.
     So think twice, unless you are married yourself, to becoming the “other man”. That “other person–man” has feelings just like anyone else.  Trust me.  I was there.  I have published diary to prove it…!!!

Be Safe-

Dennis J. Schleicher

author of “Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-Mail Diaries”