Married Man Seeks Same for Discreet Play

Married Man Seeks Same for Discreet Play

He has a loving wife, a small child—and sex with men on the side. How the Internet has made it easier than ever to lead a detection-proof double life.

By David Amsden www.nymag.com/news 

The man sitting across from me would like to tell me his name, but doing so is against his rules. He could tell me a fake name, he says, though not the one he typically uses when meeting a man in the middle of the day, since he has been using the same fake name for so long that it is almost real. Revealing it now would open him up to the potential of recognition, and, frankly, just imagining a scenario like that makes him wonder why he agreed to meet in the first place. He knows how he comes across. So shifty and paranoid. But he is not apologetic. Because when you live two separate lives, as he does, and when you have been maintaining these two separate lives for twenty years, as he has, coming across as shifty and paranoid is something of an inevitability.

     I will call him William Dockett, for clarity’s sake. Over the past few weeks, William and I have been e-mailing regularly. This is what I know about him: I know that he is in his early forties and that he lives and works in Manhattan, earning around $200,000 annually in a job he wishes he was more passionate about. I know that he is a registered Democrat who grew up in a nearby suburb. I know that he has been married a decade and that he is the father of a small child. And I know—here his life gets complicated—that when he is at work, and things are slow, he goes to Craigslist and, with a familiar mixture of guilt and resignation and excitement, clicks on the “men meeting men” section of the personals.

     It is hard to fathom, the notion of a gay man living a closeted life in New York City in 2007. The life of someone like William—who responded to a posting I placed on Craigslist identifying myself as a writer trying to understand the psyche of a still-closeted man—seems at the very least anachronistic. Typically, the “closet” brings to mind small towns, intensely religious communities, and, at the most cosmopolitan level, the lives of Jim McGreevey and Mark Foley: gay men operating in a world so inherently duplicitous that their choosing to lead a shadow life follows, sadly, a certain logic. And yet the thing about desire—frustratingly, thrillingly—is that few things are so resistant to reason and categorization. “I used to think I was bi, but now I really believe that I am gay and just was not in the right situation,” William wrote to me in an early message. “I think I like a particular kind of guy and when I went out looking I never found him, so I gravitated toward women. I found what I liked on the Internet, but I was already married.”

     We are meeting at a pub in the West Village, desolate at this midday hour, a location chosen because it is far removed, geographically and psychically, from where William lives and works. He is, as he refers to himself online, “average looking,” medium height, clean shaven, a little stocky but in decent shape. He’s wearing dark tapered slacks, a well-ironed pale-blue shirt, cuff links, and a pink tie that is flashy but by no means flamboyant, knotted half-English style. For weeks he has resisted the idea of talking in person. “I’m sorry,” he wrote, “but my life is a mess right now.” And later: “Why am I even talking to you?” Once he agreed to meet, he warned me, “You’re going to be disappointed. I’ve had to become very good at revealing very little.”

     He was not exaggerating. My questions are answered curtly, almost inaudibly. No, he is not religious. No, he was not raised in a religious or bigoted household. No, he does not think being attracted to men is “wrong.” No, it’s not that simple. This much he will allow: “This is not the life I was meant to live. I don’t know what that life is, what it looks like, but I know it’s not this. But I don’t think most people are living the life they think they were meant to live, so I don’t feel that bad.” I walk away from the lunch thinking that the most telling thing about the entire exchange is how little William is willing to tell. His paranoia is palpable, clearly consuming. Whatever the reason he decided to meet me in the first place—vanity, a desire to tell a few of his secrets, maybe even a subconscious wish to be discovered—I feel certain that he will not wish to meet again. But later that afternoon he sends me an e-mail: “I think I want to keep talking to you. I don’t know why, but I do.”

To read more go to; http://nymag.com/news/features/34985 & tell us what your think by posting your comments??? Do you think your man is Gay?

-Be Safe

Dennis Schleicher

Can You Be Heterosexual?

Can You Be Heterosexual?

Well, yes, or at least act like you are. This is how I see it: Gay is Gay. Heterosexual is Heterosexual. Many of the men I meet with that have same-gender sexual orientation choose for many kinds of reasons not to express their feelings of attraction and consciously decide to live a heterosexual life and pose as “straight.” Does this mean your husband is gay? Well, if you bark like a dog and walk like one. What do you think? I can go on and on about my inner wisdom on gay men behaving as straight, as I see it every day with my work as the “other man.”

 

20 Things to Consider before Coming Out

20 Things to Consider before Coming Out 

By Dennis J. Schleicher

www.HonestOpinion.US 

Coming–out is a lifelong process.  It is also a very big, brave and lifelong decision.  Here are some things to consider before coming out. 

• Be clear about your own feelings about being gay.  If you are still dealing with a lot of guilt or depression, seek professional help in getting over that before coming out to parents or other non-gay people.  If you are comparable with your own gayness, those to whom you come out to will often see that fact and be aided in their own renewed acceptance to you.

• Timing can be very important in coming out.  Be aware of the health, mood, priorities and problems of those with whom you would like to share your sexuality.  The mid-life crisis of parents, the relationship problems of friends, the business concerns of employers and countless other factors over which you have no control can affect another’s receptivity to your information.

• Never come out during an argument.  Never use coming out as a weapon.  Never encourage parents to feel guilty for having “caused” your sexual orientation –because they didn’t.  As I always say “being gay is not a choice being honest about is a choice.”

• When coming out to parents or family tried to affirm mutual caring and loving before launching into your announcements about your gay or lesbian life.

• Be prepared that your revelation may surprise, anger or upset other people, at first.  Try not to react angrily or defensively.  Tried to let other people be honest about their initial feelings even if they are not negative.  Remember that the initial reaction will not likely be a long-term one.  Ultimately, the individuals who have really faced and dealt with their homophobia may be far more supportive than those who gave an immediate but superficial expression of support.

• Emphasize that you are still the same person.  You were gay yesterday, and we’ll be gay tomorrow.  If you were responsible and caring yesterday, likewise, you will be loving and responsible tomorrow.

• Keep lines of communication open with people after you, how to them — even if their response is negative.  Respond to their questions and remember that they are probably in the process of reexamining the math and stereotypes about gay people which we all have learned from our culture.

• Be sure that you are well informed about homosexuality both the pros and cons as there’s many great things and being “out,” there’s many negative things to consider as well call it is a fact your employment, family members, children, and old friends.  Within the gay culture.  It tends to be much cattiness which I associate to societal upbringing or a lack of education within the community.  Both straight and gay.

•  Read some good books about the subject and share them with individuals to whom you have come out.

• Encourage your parents or others to whom you come out to meet some of your lesbian and gay friends.

• Remember that it takes many gay men and lesbians are very long time to come to terms with their own sexuality, and even longer to decide to share.  The fact with others.  When you come out to non-gay people, be prepared to give them time to adjust and to comprehend the new information about you.  Don’t expect immediate acceptance.  Look for ongoing, caring dialogue.

• If you are rejected by someone to whom you have come out.  Do not lose sight of their own self worth remember that you’re coming out was a guest of sharing an important part of yourself, which that person has chosen to reject.  If rejection does come, consider whether the relationship was really worthwhile.  Is any relationship so important that it must continue an atmosphere of dishonesty and hiding?  Was the person really your friend or simply a friend of someone he or she imagined you to be?

• This will be your true test as to who your real friends are. Prepare yourself for a shift amongst friends.  Some will be overly supportive, while others might as well be left behind as the wind blows through. 

• Remember also that the loss of a friend is not the end of the world.  Coming-out discussions must be made cautiously, but integrity and self-respect are extremely important in the long run.

• A casual or offhand approach often works best in the work mates and relatives.  Sometimes a conversational situation can be avoided simply by being honest and conversational way, about whom you live with and date, and how you may spend your leisure time.  The other person is given a chance to recognize circumstances of your life and to admit to your homosexuality without being obligated to make some immediate response on this issue.

• Remember that the decision to come out is yours.  Don’t be guilt-trapped into it by people who think that everyone must come out or by snooping people who ask important questions.  You can usually decide when, where, how, and to whom you wish to come out.  At this stage in our society, full public declarations about one’s sexuality are not necessarily the best decision for most people.  Often times the gay culture wants everyone to be “Outed.”  Not necessarily the best decision to make based on society pressures.  There are many other emotions to take into consideration, which is why I believe it’s best to seek professional advice on developing a prudent roadmap.  Almost like developing a business plan or a proposal.  We’re launching a new concept at a shareholders meeting.

• Trying not to let your family and close friends find out about your gayness from third parties such as neighbors or the media.  Try to tell them personally before hand.

• Whenever you come out, reflect upon the experience and learn from.  I always find it is therapeutic to keep a journal as years later, you can reflect on your life’s journeys.

• Never let yourself be pressured into coming out before you are ready.

• Coming out is one of the most difficult things we do in our lives.  It is not for everyone!  It won’t always go well, but most of the time it is a very freeing experience.  Be sure you have a network of positive friends and/or support groups that you can turn to for advice, use them as a sounding board during the ups and downs.  Use friends who will want to support your positive experience during the coming out process.  Just remember you’re not alone, all is well…

Be Safe-

Dennis Schleicher

Recommended Books 

1)    For more information on coming out, please refer to my book.   “Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries” 

2)    “Why Gay Men Do What They Do,” By Aaron J. Silver  

3)    “The Velvet Rage” by Alan Downs 

Power of Fear Leading to Closeted Gay Bi Married Husbands

Power of fear is at the basis of all negative emotions and actions.  It is why we lie, why we argue and have to be right all the time.  It’s the reason behind some people’s needs to be in control. It is the reason why people steal and the list goes on and on.  Controlling people are just very fearful people.  They may project a strong fearless front but that exactly what it is, it’s a front. They need to control their environment which generally plays out into their relationships as well because they become anxious or fearful if they things are not within their comfort zone.  I believe by knowing this about people it can empower you because you are likely actually stronger and less fearful than they are in reality.  Fear is the reason also of course why people choose to go into the closet, get married, developed a family or a house with a white picket fence in the SUV parked in the driveway and parked next to our BMW’s otherwise referred to as status symbols.

A quote from chapter two of my memoir, “Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-mail Diaries,” “typically, most children are brought up in a society where finding love in the opposite sex is bred into them.  They are taught to start a courtship, which will eventually lead to marriage and later on, children, a house with a white picket fence, a dog, an SUV and a double income family.”

Fearing that we may lose the love and companionship that all humans need for healthy emotional survival on many levels, because society has deemed this so. I believe it is a healthy and productive exercise to whenever you are feeling dis-ease or discomfort to know that it is about fear. Therefore it is important that we take the time and trace back through our thoughts what it is that we are in fear of that is causing this discomfort.  Generally what we fear is the not knowing of the outcome of a circumstance which is again why gay people generally go into the closet at least at first.  Some obviously for longer periods and end up following social expectations and marry causing more victims of our fears.  Being fearful can lead us to be deceptive and dishonest in our communications with others, leading to closeted gay Bi married men.

The most unfortunate issue about this is, we then don’t really have truly open hearted, rich and fulfilling relationships with people leaving us lonely in our private thoughts.  It is when we interact with people using our hearts we become less fearful and have more joyful lives. Leave the brain to math, science and technology when it comes to matters of relationships.  Use your heart openly and without fear as best you can. It takes practice. 

Most generally what we fear as I stated is the consequence of what may happen if I were truthful.  The consequence is almost never as bad as we expect it to be.  We need to ask ourselves what is our greatest fear if I am honest.  What is the very worst thing that can happen we need to ask ourselves?  Can we then survive the consequence of being truthful about our true selves and our true thoughts? The answer to that is, of course we can survive. There may be a period of discomfort. Even serious discomfort but we will survive.  People that choose suicide rather than being truthful about their true selves are choosing a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 

It is also a self act because it leaves the survivors unable to heal because they will always wonder what they could have done differently to prevent the tragedy.  Always remember is not always necessary to be right.  To we want peace or to we want to be right? Pick your battles carefully and use civility throughout the conflict resolution process.  Never name call. That is about control which is another word for fear.   Our fear in conflicts in not being right is generally about looking or feeling foolish. You actually look more foolish by maintaining that you are right when it’s obvious that you are not and you are being foolish if it is a silly disagreement anyway.  Be true to yourself and you will then be able to be true to others. For those of you that cannot build up the courage to come out to those you love and are a integral part of your lives you are cheating yourself and them of really knowing each other’s hearts and souls.  When you are out you will not have to edit you life anymore which is not only demeaning but exhausting. Your true self has just as much value as anyone.  So come on people.  Start asking yourself some of these questions.  You can handle the outcome of the truth when it is revealed I promise. 

Be Safe-

Dennis J. Schleicher

For more information refer to my book, “Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-Mail Diaries.”