Honey, I’m gay

Honey, I’m gay
Malavika Velayanikal
Sunday, January 25, 2009 3:31 IST
Mumbai: Put it down to societal norms or personal fear of alienation or the need to earn respectability, a significant percentage of gay men are, or have been, married. In most cases the woman only finds out after the knot is tied.

Waheeda* was a bright girl, full of life, and, being the youngest, her parents’ pet. When they found her a handsome groom with a well-paying job in London, dreams sprouted wings. She did not think twice about quitting her MNC job in Chennai to fly out with
her husband after the wedding, little knowing what lay ahead.
When her husband chose to spend their first night together in London with his British friend, she was sad, confused. However, the traditional baggage she carried within stopped her from asking for reasons. When he repeated it the next day, and the day after, she forced herself to confront him. Her worst fears were confirmed: He was in love with someone else and, worse, that the ’someone else’ was a man. She felt cheated, humiliated. Alone and alien, she had no lifeline. Even her parents felt helpless and asked her to ‘adjust’.
Today, Waheeda has found a job, but is still a broken girl. Her dreams are dead. Her health fails her often. A victim of panic attacks, she is an embarrassment to her husband, whom she still lives with.
Waheeda is hardly alone though. Countless others have similar tales to tell. “When a woman learns that her husband is gay, a myriad of emotions overcomes her, ranging from devastation to repulsion,” says Bonnie Kaye, who runs the website www.gayhusbands.com.
Once married to a gay man herself, she offers counselling for straight wives and has penned two books on the subject — How I Made My Husband Gay (Myths About Straight Wives) and Doomed Grooms: Gay Husbands of Straight Wives. She calls a straight-gay marriage a ‘mis-marriage’ or a ‘mistake of a marriage’.
She feels that, in most cases, gay men marry hoping that their sexuality would change, but it can’t. “However, whether or not to stay in such a marriage is your choice,” she adds. Homosexuality, though, is not a choice for the man — he is helpless in this orientation.
“I come from a very orthodox and respectable Muslim family. They are also homophobic. I did not want to cheat my wife, but I couldn’t help it,” was Waheeda’s husband’s reply when asked why he refused to tell her the truth before marriage. In fact, it is the tag of respectability that makes many men closet gays. “Society is almost unforgiving when it comes to homosexuality,” says Bangalorean Divakar*. Apart from close friends, not many know he is gay. “Despite active groups like Alternative Law Forum in the city, I dare not come out in the open about my sexuality,” he adds.
Psychiatrist Dr B Kapur has had homosexual men asking for help in convincing their conservative families against marrying women. “Truly gay men hardly marry, but bi-sexuals do,” he says. In such relationships, he feels women merely have Hobson’s choice. “Living with a bi-sexual husband is dangerous, what with the high risk of Aids and other STDs. And a person’s sexual orientation cannot change, so the woman can only walk out,” he says.
An unscientific survey of visitors to www.marriedgay.org by The New York Times found that more than half of the married gay respondents said their wives did not know of their sexual inclinations. Of those, a slim majority considered coming clean but a third said ‘never’. Statistics on straight-gay marriages is scarce and unreliable. Studies in the 1970s and 80s, using inconsistent methodology, found anywhere from one-fifth to one-third of gay men were, or had at one time been, married. Society being a little more accepting might have lowered the percentage today.
Dennis J Schleicher, author of Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-Mail Diaries, cites fear as the reason why people chose to go into the closet, get married, and develop a family. In his memoir, he says: “Typically, most children are brought up in a society where finding love in the opposite sex is bred into them. They are taught to start a courtship, which will lead to marriage and later on, children, a house with a white picket fence, a dog, an SUV and a double income family.”
He encourages gay husbands to be open about their sexuality and from personal
experience, assures that the consequence is almost never as bad as expected. “Leave the brain to math, science and technology when it comes to matters of relationships. Use your heart openly and without fear as best you can,” he says. He blogs at http://gayhusbands.wordpress.com/ and offers help to parents, families, friends and the straight spouse as they come to terms with finding out their loved one was gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.
Most women find it frustrating to stay with husbands who refuse to confess. “I would say he is absolutely repulsed by me. Always has been, since our wedding night, when he wouldn’t touch me. It made me feel really bad about myself,” says Katie*. “Eight years of marriage that has stripped me of my self esteem. You know what it is when a gay man marries a woman? Abuse. I am now going through a separation.”
With dreams deferred, many stay shackled to their marriage; but some, like Preeti*, find escape. Preeti discovered her husband’s sexual preference after two months of living together. Though she found his lack of interest a little exasperating, she dared not wonder why. But when he confessed, she walked out. Perhaps the job security she had, helped. Also she was in her comfort zone, Bangalore. A year later, she got a legal divorce. “It was tough, no matter what. I had no way but out,” she says.
Since then, she has met him a few times when biking out on weekends. “I was indifferent and he, embarrassed,” she says.
Today, she is happily single; except for a shaken faith in men.
* Name changed on request
by Malavika Velayanikal
http://www.dnaindia.com/report.asp?newsid=1224760

Power of Fear Leading to Closeted Gay Bi Married Husbands

Power of fear is at the basis of all negative emotions and actions.  It is why we lie, why we argue and have to be right all the time.  It’s the reason behind some people’s needs to be in control. It is the reason why people steal and the list goes on and on.  Controlling people are just very fearful people.  They may project a strong fearless front but that exactly what it is, it’s a front. They need to control their environment which generally plays out into their relationships as well because they become anxious or fearful if they things are not within their comfort zone.  I believe by knowing this about people it can empower you because you are likely actually stronger and less fearful than they are in reality.  Fear is the reason also of course why people choose to go into the closet, get married, developed a family or a house with a white picket fence in the SUV parked in the driveway and parked next to our BMW’s otherwise referred to as status symbols.

A quote from chapter two of my memoir, “Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-mail Diaries,” “typically, most children are brought up in a society where finding love in the opposite sex is bred into them.  They are taught to start a courtship, which will eventually lead to marriage and later on, children, a house with a white picket fence, a dog, an SUV and a double income family.”

Fearing that we may lose the love and companionship that all humans need for healthy emotional survival on many levels, because society has deemed this so. I believe it is a healthy and productive exercise to whenever you are feeling dis-ease or discomfort to know that it is about fear. Therefore it is important that we take the time and trace back through our thoughts what it is that we are in fear of that is causing this discomfort.  Generally what we fear is the not knowing of the outcome of a circumstance which is again why gay people generally go into the closet at least at first.  Some obviously for longer periods and end up following social expectations and marry causing more victims of our fears.  Being fearful can lead us to be deceptive and dishonest in our communications with others, leading to closeted gay Bi married men.

The most unfortunate issue about this is, we then don’t really have truly open hearted, rich and fulfilling relationships with people leaving us lonely in our private thoughts.  It is when we interact with people using our hearts we become less fearful and have more joyful lives. Leave the brain to math, science and technology when it comes to matters of relationships.  Use your heart openly and without fear as best you can. It takes practice. 

Most generally what we fear as I stated is the consequence of what may happen if I were truthful.  The consequence is almost never as bad as we expect it to be.  We need to ask ourselves what is our greatest fear if I am honest.  What is the very worst thing that can happen we need to ask ourselves?  Can we then survive the consequence of being truthful about our true selves and our true thoughts? The answer to that is, of course we can survive. There may be a period of discomfort. Even serious discomfort but we will survive.  People that choose suicide rather than being truthful about their true selves are choosing a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 

It is also a self act because it leaves the survivors unable to heal because they will always wonder what they could have done differently to prevent the tragedy.  Always remember is not always necessary to be right.  To we want peace or to we want to be right? Pick your battles carefully and use civility throughout the conflict resolution process.  Never name call. That is about control which is another word for fear.   Our fear in conflicts in not being right is generally about looking or feeling foolish. You actually look more foolish by maintaining that you are right when it’s obvious that you are not and you are being foolish if it is a silly disagreement anyway.  Be true to yourself and you will then be able to be true to others. For those of you that cannot build up the courage to come out to those you love and are a integral part of your lives you are cheating yourself and them of really knowing each other’s hearts and souls.  When you are out you will not have to edit you life anymore which is not only demeaning but exhausting. Your true self has just as much value as anyone.  So come on people.  Start asking yourself some of these questions.  You can handle the outcome of the truth when it is revealed I promise. 

Be Safe-

Dennis J. Schleicher

For more information refer to my book, “Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-Mail Diaries.”

 

“Another Aspect of the Tangles that Married Gay Men find Themselves in, what Happens to the Other Man? ……”

     Periodically, myself the author of an explosives and controversial memoir “Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-Mail Diaries.” and founder of several support groups and international lecturer, receives e-mails from the “other man” or the “other woman”. These terms, because of their link to an affair outside the marriage, tend to have a stigma attached to them. Perhaps their rights will change with time.
     These people, emotionally or romantically attached to another person who is already married, are often more concerned about the well being of that person, than about their own well being. That is ok to a point, but there is an old saying:
     “Never, ever get involved with a married person”
This paints a particularly black picture, but this is deliberate.
     Many single people become the “other person” in a love triangle because of what their heart is telling them, but more often than not, because they do not know the whole truth about their new friend, who has withheld the information that they are already married. This is where the lies start. They are not necessarily intentional lies – they are what they want the other person to hear.
     With the discovery of the marital status, there could be promises that the married person will leave their spouse and children, and come and live with the “other man or person”. Such promises are rarely fulfilled.
     The reason for never ever getting involved with a married person is that in the majority of cases, the married person will never leave the marital nest unless forced to do so. They want their cake and eat it too.
     This can lead to a lot of pain and hurt for the “other man”, to frustration and to lost time, when they could be perhaps finding someone else who is not married to spend their life with.
     So think twice, unless you are married yourself, to becoming the “other man”. That “other person–man” has feelings just like anyone else.  Trust me.  I was there.  I have published diary to prove it…!!!

Be Safe-

Dennis J. Schleicher

author of “Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-Mail Diaries”