American Obsession with Masculinity

American Obsession with Masculinity

Growing up as a gay man in American society a male child learns early on the obvious superior position the more masculine the male the higher social standing he will likely attain by it is sheer virtue. It is very clear that the masculine male athlete is considered of the highest social standing. How Americans worship their male athletes is the prime example of this hyper-masculine obsession within American culture.

Having traveled all over the world but most particularly I have noticed in most of the northern European countries there isn’t quite the masculine obsession. Being a gay man, all gay men know what “gay-dar” is. Some heterosexual people may even have heard this term but don’t understand quite what it means. It means having almost a sixth sense about who is gay. Gay men tend to have pretty good gaydar that is clearly a learned behavior that is generally quite accurate. This is solely, I believe due to the phenomenon of the American masculine obsession. This obsession actually causes men that are not masculine by nature to become masculine acting by practice. You see it in our own former president who is clearly acting out a hyper masculine image. Bush was clearly acting like an American cowboy hero, holding is arms further away from his body than need be to give the impression of his arms being to muscular and bulky to hold them closer to his body. This learned behavior stems from insecurity I believe. However, conversely one does not often see this behavior within most European cultures because they don’t seem to have the hyper-masculine worship that we Americans have.

Perhaps we have it because of the history of how our country was founded. The reason why I mentioned gaydar is because in Europe my gaydar does not work well because many of the European men by American standards act effeminate. It is not that they are effeminate, that is once again only relative to American cultural standards by how we were taught to measure masculinity. European men just walk, talk and act much more naturally and without giving thought to whether they are perceived as being masculine or feminine. This then translates into the fear of being considered gay. The issue of masculine/feminine ought to be considered a neutral issue within a healthy culture that is not fraught with fear about being considered gay or straight.

Gay men I have observed over my many years of being an out gay man have even bought into this American hyper-masculine worship. They will often try and act masculine, and will on chat lines make certain that the gay man they are talking to knows that they are the masculine type. Most of us, whether gay or straight are somewhere in the middle. However, many men will practice trying to be, on the masculine scale. This is truly an interesting phenomenon. This is likely partly the reason why athletes have trouble “coming-out” of the closet because they will lose much of their social standing and adoration. We as Americans need to be more concerned about our ethics, morals and social decay rather than being so concerned about the way we were born to behave and what actually comes naturally to us.

Brokeback Mountain: Now a Major Motion Picture

Straight Acting: Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love

Androphilia: Rejecting the Gay Identity, Reclaiming Masculinity

 

“After years of living the lie of fierce heterosexuality in order to maintain his macho boy band image, former ‘NSync ladies man Lance Bass dropped a bombshell on everything we know about masculinity by revealing to People Magazine that he is actually gay. While we admire his courage and hope he is now able to live a happier life, many of us are still feeling a combination of shock, confusion and disillusionment. I mean, who’s next – Clay Aiken?”

By Dennis Schleicher
Best-selling Author of;
Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries

20 Things to Consider before Coming Out

20 Things to Consider before Coming Out 

By Dennis J. Schleicher

www.HonestOpinion.US 

Coming–out is a lifelong process.  It is also a very big, brave and lifelong decision.  Here are some things to consider before coming out. 

• Be clear about your own feelings about being gay.  If you are still dealing with a lot of guilt or depression, seek professional help in getting over that before coming out to parents or other non-gay people.  If you are comparable with your own gayness, those to whom you come out to will often see that fact and be aided in their own renewed acceptance to you.

• Timing can be very important in coming out.  Be aware of the health, mood, priorities and problems of those with whom you would like to share your sexuality.  The mid-life crisis of parents, the relationship problems of friends, the business concerns of employers and countless other factors over which you have no control can affect another’s receptivity to your information.

• Never come out during an argument.  Never use coming out as a weapon.  Never encourage parents to feel guilty for having “caused” your sexual orientation –because they didn’t.  As I always say “being gay is not a choice being honest about is a choice.”

• When coming out to parents or family tried to affirm mutual caring and loving before launching into your announcements about your gay or lesbian life.

• Be prepared that your revelation may surprise, anger or upset other people, at first.  Try not to react angrily or defensively.  Tried to let other people be honest about their initial feelings even if they are not negative.  Remember that the initial reaction will not likely be a long-term one.  Ultimately, the individuals who have really faced and dealt with their homophobia may be far more supportive than those who gave an immediate but superficial expression of support.

• Emphasize that you are still the same person.  You were gay yesterday, and we’ll be gay tomorrow.  If you were responsible and caring yesterday, likewise, you will be loving and responsible tomorrow.

• Keep lines of communication open with people after you, how to them — even if their response is negative.  Respond to their questions and remember that they are probably in the process of reexamining the math and stereotypes about gay people which we all have learned from our culture.

• Be sure that you are well informed about homosexuality both the pros and cons as there’s many great things and being “out,” there’s many negative things to consider as well call it is a fact your employment, family members, children, and old friends.  Within the gay culture.  It tends to be much cattiness which I associate to societal upbringing or a lack of education within the community.  Both straight and gay.

•  Read some good books about the subject and share them with individuals to whom you have come out.

• Encourage your parents or others to whom you come out to meet some of your lesbian and gay friends.

• Remember that it takes many gay men and lesbians are very long time to come to terms with their own sexuality, and even longer to decide to share.  The fact with others.  When you come out to non-gay people, be prepared to give them time to adjust and to comprehend the new information about you.  Don’t expect immediate acceptance.  Look for ongoing, caring dialogue.

• If you are rejected by someone to whom you have come out.  Do not lose sight of their own self worth remember that you’re coming out was a guest of sharing an important part of yourself, which that person has chosen to reject.  If rejection does come, consider whether the relationship was really worthwhile.  Is any relationship so important that it must continue an atmosphere of dishonesty and hiding?  Was the person really your friend or simply a friend of someone he or she imagined you to be?

• This will be your true test as to who your real friends are. Prepare yourself for a shift amongst friends.  Some will be overly supportive, while others might as well be left behind as the wind blows through. 

• Remember also that the loss of a friend is not the end of the world.  Coming-out discussions must be made cautiously, but integrity and self-respect are extremely important in the long run.

• A casual or offhand approach often works best in the work mates and relatives.  Sometimes a conversational situation can be avoided simply by being honest and conversational way, about whom you live with and date, and how you may spend your leisure time.  The other person is given a chance to recognize circumstances of your life and to admit to your homosexuality without being obligated to make some immediate response on this issue.

• Remember that the decision to come out is yours.  Don’t be guilt-trapped into it by people who think that everyone must come out or by snooping people who ask important questions.  You can usually decide when, where, how, and to whom you wish to come out.  At this stage in our society, full public declarations about one’s sexuality are not necessarily the best decision for most people.  Often times the gay culture wants everyone to be “Outed.”  Not necessarily the best decision to make based on society pressures.  There are many other emotions to take into consideration, which is why I believe it’s best to seek professional advice on developing a prudent roadmap.  Almost like developing a business plan or a proposal.  We’re launching a new concept at a shareholders meeting.

• Trying not to let your family and close friends find out about your gayness from third parties such as neighbors or the media.  Try to tell them personally before hand.

• Whenever you come out, reflect upon the experience and learn from.  I always find it is therapeutic to keep a journal as years later, you can reflect on your life’s journeys.

• Never let yourself be pressured into coming out before you are ready.

• Coming out is one of the most difficult things we do in our lives.  It is not for everyone!  It won’t always go well, but most of the time it is a very freeing experience.  Be sure you have a network of positive friends and/or support groups that you can turn to for advice, use them as a sounding board during the ups and downs.  Use friends who will want to support your positive experience during the coming out process.  Just remember you’re not alone, all is well…

Be Safe-

Dennis Schleicher

Recommended Books 

1)    For more information on coming out, please refer to my book.   “Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries” 

2)    “Why Gay Men Do What They Do,” By Aaron J. Silver  

3)    “The Velvet Rage” by Alan Downs