Online Dating! Do You Ever Ask Why He Noticed Your Profile?

Online Dating! Do You Ever Ask Why He Noticed Your Profile?

By Dennis Schleicher

You know you and your guy are getting pretty close when you’ve reached that stage in your relationship where you can talk about all of the funny/awkward/cute things that happened when you first met. I talk about this all of the time. One date in particular I was taken to a museum (cute) followed by dinner at a pretty artistic “restaurant” that has since, ahem, closed down (not-so cute). Just recently I asked my date what he initially noticed about me that made him interested. You’ll never guess what he said…

My style. Huh?! I immediately asked him if he thought that most guys online think style in a profile is important, and he said he did. But I wasn’t convinced. After we asked some of his friends, we decided that, really, only one or two of them would even notice what I was wearing.

Here’s the thing: Guys definitely check out bodies, right? (Duh.) So if you’re wearing clothing that shows off all of your assets, he’s going to take note of your profile. In the photo that caught his attention I was wearing a button-down shirt, and fashionable jeans with nice dress shoes. I was also informed that the vast selection of photos, offering different appearances, caught his attention.

So, then, why did he notice my style? Here’s the caveat: A select number of guys genuinely do appreciate a fashionable man. If your fella is artsy, if he’s an observant chap, if he takes pride in his own style, if he’s smart—and into you enough—to notice that it’s something you take pride in, or if he’s gay (kidding!) there’s a pretty good chance that your top-notch taste with your online profile will earn you some points and land your profile on the top of the list. The other plus for you chic Internet daters out there is that if you offer photos or wear a little something that’s interesting, or different, guys will usually send you an e-mail. After we make that initial connection. We are looking for every reason to keep our conversation flowing. So if you have some fresh a really cool and up to date photos that’s obviously not from these here parts, he’ll probably bring it up.

Tell me, guys, can you relate to this? What’s the first thing your guy noticed about your online profile? Does your man dig your style? Do you usually dress for you or your date? Do you ask your guy why he’s so into you? What do you notice first about guys? Have you ever changed your style for a guy? Or, have you asked him to dress differently for you?

The Gay Man’s Therapist by Angelo Pezzote

Your Weekly Affirmtion: The sun is always shining behind the clouds, even if grey skies is all you can see. ~Angelo

All’s He Cares About Is Himself!

Dear Angelo,

I am in love with my friend but he doesn’t feel the same way about me. In fact, he’s very self-absorbed. All he cares about is himself. He doesn’t even treat me good, but he’s all I think about. I can’t imagine my life without him. I need him. I wish he could just see that I’m what he’s been looking for. I find myself really lonely, doubting myself and questioning things. I’m miserable, thinking of hurting myself, knowing I’ll never be able to be with him. I wonder if things will ever improve for me. I’m so confused right now. I don’t want to end up old and alone surrounded by cats and dogs.

Signed, Sinking Ship

 

Dear Sinking Ship,

I’m sorry you’re suffering through this awful situation. The pain of unrequited love can be excruciating and the ensuing grief can seem unbearable. I’m so glad you sent out this S.O.S. ! And you know what? Your use of humor at the end (“surrounded by cats and dogs”) tells me you’re going to be okay.

 

In the movie Titanic, Rose has to let go of Jack’s frozen hand (allowing him to sink underwater) to get rescued. The lesson is that sometimes we have to let go of something we love to save ourselves. It’s better for you to let him go and suffer the relatively short-term emotional pain rather than drawing out the misery of not having him. Anything less is masochistic.

 

As painful as it is, every time you think of him say, “I release you and wish you well.” Then ask yourself, “what do I need to do to take care of myself right now?” Then do that. You must believe that you’re trading this relationship in for a better one. The Universe is already directing the right guy to cross your path at the right time. Focus on that new love to come rather than on what didn’t work out.

 

I also suggest you call the Trevor Project (a 24/7 confidential gay suicide & crisis prevention helpline http://www.trevorproject.org ) immediately at 1-866-4-U-TREVOR or 1-866-488-7386. I also recommend you consult with mental health experts such as a psychiatrist and a psychotherapist. It’s also a good idea to attend a 12-step group such as CoDA (Co-Dependents Anonymous http://www.codependents.org ) or Al-Anon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org ) for self-care, learning how to keep the focus on yourself.

All The Best, Angelo.

Author of Straight Acting – Gay Men, Masculinity, And Finding True Love

http://www.askangelo.com

Life…Who’s Helping With Yours? Did you know I personally provide one on one support by telephone and internet (Skype) no matter where you are? I even pay for the call (by calling you). And for you recessionistas, I have a special low fee for your first session by phone or internet Reduced Introductory Session so you can try me out. I’ve actually reduced my fees in general to help my clients during this awful recession, and have phone/internet packages and rewards to help you save even more! There will never be a better time to begin than right now. Details Next Event MAKING LOVE Thu APR 16 8-10pm LGBT Center Free (Donation). Want more Ask Angelo advice? Want to Blog, Chat, Connect? Not yet a member? Register. Missed a Natty Newsletter? Sign in to the Members Area at AskAngelo.com and go to the Archives under your Mailing Lists tab.

 

Feel free to forward this e-zine to a friend. If they like it they can join to get it free at AskAngelo.com Win a free autographed copy of my book as a raffle prize. Anyone who joins our newsletter list or refers someone to our list in the next 30 days is entered.

Join LIFE…WHO’S HELPING WITH YOURS? LESSEN YOUR TROUBLES http://www.askangelo.com/ 

 

Supportively Yours,

Angelo Pezzote, MA, NCC, LMHC, LMFT, RPH

Tel (917) 673-5003 Manhattan, NY www.AskAngelo.com 

 

Editor’s note: As one of the best clinical psychotherapist, especially within the genre of gay, lesbian, bisexual, questioning, and transgender issues, Angelo Pezzote can undoubtedly help you with a broad range of concerns including: relationships, anxiety, depression, addiction, trauma (abuse), sexuality, and gender. He is available by appointment in-person, over the phone, or internet (Skype), which allows him to counsel any of my support group members no matter where you are throughout the country.

Dennis Schleicher

Best-Selling Author and Support Group Counselor

http://gayhusbands.wordpress.com/ 

Dennis Schleicher’s book Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-mail Diaries is Riveting. By Angelo Pezzote

Dear Angelo,

I love your blog (http://www.askangelo.blogspot.com). I found out about you as I am involved in a gay support group. I have an issue that I hope you can help address and clarify. Author Dennis Schleicher (Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-mail Diaries) is adamant that in order to be a part of his support network that we as gay married men all have to have goals. One of the goals is that we must plan to come out and come clean to our wives. I have an issue with this as I am not ready to come out to my wife and family. Why should I be segregated from his support group if I choose not to comply with his guidelines? I need his support group as it’s a great way for me to connect and hook up with other guys in my shoes. If he finds out that I do not have a plan, I’m afraid I will be asked to leave the group. This is just not fair! That’s my problem.

Signed, Married Gay Man

Dear Married Gay Man,

Coming out is not an event. It’s a lifelong process of overcoming learned shame and increasing self-acceptance. I advocate that all gay men must strive to come out – fully. No one can truly be happy and thrive in the shame and secrecy of being in the closet – fully or partially. (That includes Ted Haggard. You can watch my youtube video opinion on Ted at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcF9Q5ibacY.) The only way others will accept us is if we are brave enough to accept ourselves, being out. The most effective weapon against homophobia is being out. Those that know a gay person are more likely to be supportive of equal gay rights. So overall, I support Dennis’ position in principle and respect his right to have his rules. I am sure he has good reasons for them.

However, I also support your right to come out on your own timetable. I think as long as you’re striving for and working towards full disclosure as a goal, I think you should be allowed to remain in the group. If however, you have no intention of moving in that direction, then you should respect his group rules and withdraw. It’s a tough call. It’s like an alcoholic coming into treatment with me who isn’t ready for AA. Is it better for me to support him, meeting him where he’s at and guiding him toward recovery, or to refuse to treat him until he stops drinking and joins AA? For better or worse, I do the former, but the key is in either case – the client has to have to want to stop drinking. Similarly, you have to want to come out to be “treated.” But the “when” of it needs to be left up to you.

You’re not alone. Every gay man takes the journey from the closet to a life of authenticity. Coming out is the struggle that unites us as gay men.

Aside, Dennis Schleicher’s book Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-mail Diaries is riveting. At once the reader’s taken in, identifying with the author’s suffering for being different and his plight for love in a desert of intimacy called the gay community. Dennis writes (my composite),

I don’t like what the gay community has to offer. I’ve been to gay bars and find the people to be extremely clique-y and shallow and into themselves. I am so tired of dealing with the gay scene, the cattiness, the “I promise to call you,” or the “We have so much in common, where have you been my whole life?” Only to never hear from that other man again…the gay community isn’t emotionally available or stable. It is a natural desire and need I have, as a human being, to be physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually close with another person. Is this what all human man kind want’s? This is my history with gay men since I first came out–always searching for love but never finding the commitment that I am so desperately seeking. I have to tell you, I’ve been burned so many times by gay men, I’m questioning whether or not I’m actually gay. I’m not physically attracted to the female anatomy, but I’m attracted to the emotional stability that I have seen in my female friends.

As I write about in my own book Straight Acting – Gay Men, Masculinity, and Finding True Love, learned shame derived from heterosexism and gay stigma lead many gay men to tone down the signals that they’re gay and turn up “real man” traits to gain more acceptance. After all, if a guy’s too “out” he may face loss, social humiliation, and life threatening danger for being perceived as weak or “a fag.” This causes many men to hide, keeping their sexuality in the closet, or muting their “gayness” once their out. Either way, this tough straight acting facade blocks men from one another’s hearts, making building meaningful lasting relationships challenging to say the least.

Dennis takes us on his journey of how he was driven to look for love from a closeted married man because of the lack of emotional availability of many openly gay men. You don’t go to Holland to buy Tulips if they’re down at the corner store. He was further pushed to this extreme in his search for love by his experience of gay men’s mistreatment of one another. Dating a closeted married man was a desperate cry for help to be rescued from the pain of gay loneliness. He was seeking an oasis where he could fill his heart with some “real” intimacy. Being fed up with openly gay men, perhaps he felt it was the best he could hope for.

Many men like Dennis are walking around in a gay wasteland looking for love. They’re dazed in despair, crying out for love in an often hostile barren land. Their alienation is intensified not only because it’s hard for men to feel safe, supported, and comfortable enough in our society to love each other openly, but also because it’s hard for gay men to love themselves from all the rejection they face. Hence, many of us find ourselves all alone with a hole inside and a constant craving to fill it. We have a burning desire for love in a community that seems to have lack and limitation around it. Being alone, or single, only reinforces an underlying sense of inferiority ― that there’s something wrong with us.

Dennis’s book helps men understand how not being authentic not only hurts themselves, but hurts others who love them (wives, children, the other man). His crusade to help gay men be out and proud and to treat each other with love and respect is a must read for any man struggling with his sexuality and those that love them; A perfect compliment to Straight Acting – Gay Men, Masculinity, and Finding True Love.

All The Best, Angelo

——————————————————————————–

Get Angelo’s book “Straight Acting” In Book Stores Now!

Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C.
The Gay Man’s Therapist

Do you have a question for Angelo to address in his column? Email ask@askangelo.com

Would you appreciate a safe supportive environment to talk about personal concerns? Get useful tools from a specialist who understands.

Podcasts, Teleseminars, Advice On Demand, Workshops, Groups and Private Practice Available. Manhattan, NY Office Tel: (917) 673-5003. www.AskAngelo.com

© Angelo Pezzote, M.A., N.C.C., L.M.H.C., All Rights Reserved

American Obsession with Masculinity

American Obsession with Masculinity

Growing up as a gay man in American society a male child learns early on the obvious superior position the more masculine the male the higher social standing he will likely attain by it is sheer virtue. It is very clear that the masculine male athlete is considered of the highest social standing. How Americans worship their male athletes is the prime example of this hyper-masculine obsession within American culture.

Having traveled all over the world but most particularly I have noticed in most of the northern European countries there isn’t quite the masculine obsession. Being a gay man, all gay men know what “gay-dar” is. Some heterosexual people may even have heard this term but don’t understand quite what it means. It means having almost a sixth sense about who is gay. Gay men tend to have pretty good gaydar that is clearly a learned behavior that is generally quite accurate. This is solely, I believe due to the phenomenon of the American masculine obsession. This obsession actually causes men that are not masculine by nature to become masculine acting by practice. You see it in our own former president who is clearly acting out a hyper masculine image. Bush was clearly acting like an American cowboy hero, holding is arms further away from his body than need be to give the impression of his arms being to muscular and bulky to hold them closer to his body. This learned behavior stems from insecurity I believe. However, conversely one does not often see this behavior within most European cultures because they don’t seem to have the hyper-masculine worship that we Americans have.

Perhaps we have it because of the history of how our country was founded. The reason why I mentioned gaydar is because in Europe my gaydar does not work well because many of the European men by American standards act effeminate. It is not that they are effeminate, that is once again only relative to American cultural standards by how we were taught to measure masculinity. European men just walk, talk and act much more naturally and without giving thought to whether they are perceived as being masculine or feminine. This then translates into the fear of being considered gay. The issue of masculine/feminine ought to be considered a neutral issue within a healthy culture that is not fraught with fear about being considered gay or straight.

Gay men I have observed over my many years of being an out gay man have even bought into this American hyper-masculine worship. They will often try and act masculine, and will on chat lines make certain that the gay man they are talking to knows that they are the masculine type. Most of us, whether gay or straight are somewhere in the middle. However, many men will practice trying to be, on the masculine scale. This is truly an interesting phenomenon. This is likely partly the reason why athletes have trouble “coming-out” of the closet because they will lose much of their social standing and adoration. We as Americans need to be more concerned about our ethics, morals and social decay rather than being so concerned about the way we were born to behave and what actually comes naturally to us.

Brokeback Mountain: Now a Major Motion Picture

Straight Acting: Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love

Androphilia: Rejecting the Gay Identity, Reclaiming Masculinity

 

“After years of living the lie of fierce heterosexuality in order to maintain his macho boy band image, former ‘NSync ladies man Lance Bass dropped a bombshell on everything we know about masculinity by revealing to People Magazine that he is actually gay. While we admire his courage and hope he is now able to live a happier life, many of us are still feeling a combination of shock, confusion and disillusionment. I mean, who’s next – Clay Aiken?”

By Dennis Schleicher
Best-selling Author of;
Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries

Ted Haggard’s Wife to Oprah: I Knew About Gay Desires

Ted Haggard’s Wife to Oprah: I Knew About Gay Desires
Gayle Haggard thought her husband Ted could control his sexual urges, but she was wrong. And the ramifications would put her family in the national spotlight.

What is it like being married to a gay husband?

Gayle, the wife of former Colorado New Life Church Pastor Ted Haggard, will tell Oprah Winfrey today that she knew about her husband’s same-sex struggles for years and had hoped he had a handle on things. But then, in 2006, their world came crashing down when a male prostitute came forward about a relationship with Haggard. “The first words out of my mouth were, ‘Who are you?’” she said, according to a publicity release issued Tuesday by Harpo Productions.

Adding to the Haggards’ lack of marital bliss is the news this week that Haggard also masturbated in front of a then-22-year-old church volunteer in 2005. The volunteer, Grant Haas, told KRDO in Colorado Springs that Haggard also sent him illicit text messages including “all kind of weird things, texting me about all the different sexual positions, practices he was engaging in and it was just really weird.” The church and the man reached a settlement in 2007. Haas says he spoke out now to protest a new HBO documentary on Haggard. Haas says that film, directed by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s daughter, Alexandra, seems to paint Haggard as a victim, a label Haas simply couldn’t accept.

Why, you may wonder, would Haggard agree to such a project? “He talked to us because he had nothing to lose,” Pelosi said. “He was down and out.” But apparently Haggard isn’t too thrilled about the movie. He told the LA Times that he trusted his friend, Pelosi, not to invade his family’s privacy and he wasn’t comfortable with her using videotaped footage for the film. But Pelosi said she wanted to tell his side of the story, since the media did “a disservice” to him.
The documentary, “The Trials of Ted Haggard,” premiers Thursday at 8 PM ET.

Books that we recommend;
by Dennis Schleicher
Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries

by Angelo Pezzote
Straight Acting: Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love

by Bonnie Kaye

Doomed Grooms: Gay Husbands of Straight Wives

How I Made My Husband Gay: Myths About Straight Wives

The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder

Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk: A Collection of Her Best Newsletters About Gay Husbands

Be safe, Dennis Schleicher
Post your comments and views below;

Honey, I’m gay

Honey, I’m gay
Malavika Velayanikal
Sunday, January 25, 2009 3:31 IST
Mumbai: Put it down to societal norms or personal fear of alienation or the need to earn respectability, a significant percentage of gay men are, or have been, married. In most cases the woman only finds out after the knot is tied.

Waheeda* was a bright girl, full of life, and, being the youngest, her parents’ pet. When they found her a handsome groom with a well-paying job in London, dreams sprouted wings. She did not think twice about quitting her MNC job in Chennai to fly out with
her husband after the wedding, little knowing what lay ahead.
When her husband chose to spend their first night together in London with his British friend, she was sad, confused. However, the traditional baggage she carried within stopped her from asking for reasons. When he repeated it the next day, and the day after, she forced herself to confront him. Her worst fears were confirmed: He was in love with someone else and, worse, that the ’someone else’ was a man. She felt cheated, humiliated. Alone and alien, she had no lifeline. Even her parents felt helpless and asked her to ‘adjust’.
Today, Waheeda has found a job, but is still a broken girl. Her dreams are dead. Her health fails her often. A victim of panic attacks, she is an embarrassment to her husband, whom she still lives with.
Waheeda is hardly alone though. Countless others have similar tales to tell. “When a woman learns that her husband is gay, a myriad of emotions overcomes her, ranging from devastation to repulsion,” says Bonnie Kaye, who runs the website www.gayhusbands.com.
Once married to a gay man herself, she offers counselling for straight wives and has penned two books on the subject — How I Made My Husband Gay (Myths About Straight Wives) and Doomed Grooms: Gay Husbands of Straight Wives. She calls a straight-gay marriage a ‘mis-marriage’ or a ‘mistake of a marriage’.
She feels that, in most cases, gay men marry hoping that their sexuality would change, but it can’t. “However, whether or not to stay in such a marriage is your choice,” she adds. Homosexuality, though, is not a choice for the man — he is helpless in this orientation.
“I come from a very orthodox and respectable Muslim family. They are also homophobic. I did not want to cheat my wife, but I couldn’t help it,” was Waheeda’s husband’s reply when asked why he refused to tell her the truth before marriage. In fact, it is the tag of respectability that makes many men closet gays. “Society is almost unforgiving when it comes to homosexuality,” says Bangalorean Divakar*. Apart from close friends, not many know he is gay. “Despite active groups like Alternative Law Forum in the city, I dare not come out in the open about my sexuality,” he adds.
Psychiatrist Dr B Kapur has had homosexual men asking for help in convincing their conservative families against marrying women. “Truly gay men hardly marry, but bi-sexuals do,” he says. In such relationships, he feels women merely have Hobson’s choice. “Living with a bi-sexual husband is dangerous, what with the high risk of Aids and other STDs. And a person’s sexual orientation cannot change, so the woman can only walk out,” he says.
An unscientific survey of visitors to www.marriedgay.org by The New York Times found that more than half of the married gay respondents said their wives did not know of their sexual inclinations. Of those, a slim majority considered coming clean but a third said ‘never’. Statistics on straight-gay marriages is scarce and unreliable. Studies in the 1970s and 80s, using inconsistent methodology, found anywhere from one-fifth to one-third of gay men were, or had at one time been, married. Society being a little more accepting might have lowered the percentage today.
Dennis J Schleicher, author of Forbidden Love with a Married Man; E-Mail Diaries, cites fear as the reason why people chose to go into the closet, get married, and develop a family. In his memoir, he says: “Typically, most children are brought up in a society where finding love in the opposite sex is bred into them. They are taught to start a courtship, which will lead to marriage and later on, children, a house with a white picket fence, a dog, an SUV and a double income family.”
He encourages gay husbands to be open about their sexuality and from personal
experience, assures that the consequence is almost never as bad as expected. “Leave the brain to math, science and technology when it comes to matters of relationships. Use your heart openly and without fear as best you can,” he says. He blogs at http://gayhusbands.wordpress.com/ and offers help to parents, families, friends and the straight spouse as they come to terms with finding out their loved one was gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.
Most women find it frustrating to stay with husbands who refuse to confess. “I would say he is absolutely repulsed by me. Always has been, since our wedding night, when he wouldn’t touch me. It made me feel really bad about myself,” says Katie*. “Eight years of marriage that has stripped me of my self esteem. You know what it is when a gay man marries a woman? Abuse. I am now going through a separation.”
With dreams deferred, many stay shackled to their marriage; but some, like Preeti*, find escape. Preeti discovered her husband’s sexual preference after two months of living together. Though she found his lack of interest a little exasperating, she dared not wonder why. But when he confessed, she walked out. Perhaps the job security she had, helped. Also she was in her comfort zone, Bangalore. A year later, she got a legal divorce. “It was tough, no matter what. I had no way but out,” she says.
Since then, she has met him a few times when biking out on weekends. “I was indifferent and he, embarrassed,” she says.
Today, she is happily single; except for a shaken faith in men.
* Name changed on request
by Malavika Velayanikal
http://www.dnaindia.com/report.asp?newsid=1224760

20 Things to Consider before Coming Out

20 Things to Consider before Coming Out 

By Dennis J. Schleicher

www.HonestOpinion.US 

Coming–out is a lifelong process.  It is also a very big, brave and lifelong decision.  Here are some things to consider before coming out. 

• Be clear about your own feelings about being gay.  If you are still dealing with a lot of guilt or depression, seek professional help in getting over that before coming out to parents or other non-gay people.  If you are comparable with your own gayness, those to whom you come out to will often see that fact and be aided in their own renewed acceptance to you.

• Timing can be very important in coming out.  Be aware of the health, mood, priorities and problems of those with whom you would like to share your sexuality.  The mid-life crisis of parents, the relationship problems of friends, the business concerns of employers and countless other factors over which you have no control can affect another’s receptivity to your information.

• Never come out during an argument.  Never use coming out as a weapon.  Never encourage parents to feel guilty for having “caused” your sexual orientation –because they didn’t.  As I always say “being gay is not a choice being honest about is a choice.”

• When coming out to parents or family tried to affirm mutual caring and loving before launching into your announcements about your gay or lesbian life.

• Be prepared that your revelation may surprise, anger or upset other people, at first.  Try not to react angrily or defensively.  Tried to let other people be honest about their initial feelings even if they are not negative.  Remember that the initial reaction will not likely be a long-term one.  Ultimately, the individuals who have really faced and dealt with their homophobia may be far more supportive than those who gave an immediate but superficial expression of support.

• Emphasize that you are still the same person.  You were gay yesterday, and we’ll be gay tomorrow.  If you were responsible and caring yesterday, likewise, you will be loving and responsible tomorrow.

• Keep lines of communication open with people after you, how to them — even if their response is negative.  Respond to their questions and remember that they are probably in the process of reexamining the math and stereotypes about gay people which we all have learned from our culture.

• Be sure that you are well informed about homosexuality both the pros and cons as there’s many great things and being “out,” there’s many negative things to consider as well call it is a fact your employment, family members, children, and old friends.  Within the gay culture.  It tends to be much cattiness which I associate to societal upbringing or a lack of education within the community.  Both straight and gay.

•  Read some good books about the subject and share them with individuals to whom you have come out.

• Encourage your parents or others to whom you come out to meet some of your lesbian and gay friends.

• Remember that it takes many gay men and lesbians are very long time to come to terms with their own sexuality, and even longer to decide to share.  The fact with others.  When you come out to non-gay people, be prepared to give them time to adjust and to comprehend the new information about you.  Don’t expect immediate acceptance.  Look for ongoing, caring dialogue.

• If you are rejected by someone to whom you have come out.  Do not lose sight of their own self worth remember that you’re coming out was a guest of sharing an important part of yourself, which that person has chosen to reject.  If rejection does come, consider whether the relationship was really worthwhile.  Is any relationship so important that it must continue an atmosphere of dishonesty and hiding?  Was the person really your friend or simply a friend of someone he or she imagined you to be?

• This will be your true test as to who your real friends are. Prepare yourself for a shift amongst friends.  Some will be overly supportive, while others might as well be left behind as the wind blows through. 

• Remember also that the loss of a friend is not the end of the world.  Coming-out discussions must be made cautiously, but integrity and self-respect are extremely important in the long run.

• A casual or offhand approach often works best in the work mates and relatives.  Sometimes a conversational situation can be avoided simply by being honest and conversational way, about whom you live with and date, and how you may spend your leisure time.  The other person is given a chance to recognize circumstances of your life and to admit to your homosexuality without being obligated to make some immediate response on this issue.

• Remember that the decision to come out is yours.  Don’t be guilt-trapped into it by people who think that everyone must come out or by snooping people who ask important questions.  You can usually decide when, where, how, and to whom you wish to come out.  At this stage in our society, full public declarations about one’s sexuality are not necessarily the best decision for most people.  Often times the gay culture wants everyone to be “Outed.”  Not necessarily the best decision to make based on society pressures.  There are many other emotions to take into consideration, which is why I believe it’s best to seek professional advice on developing a prudent roadmap.  Almost like developing a business plan or a proposal.  We’re launching a new concept at a shareholders meeting.

• Trying not to let your family and close friends find out about your gayness from third parties such as neighbors or the media.  Try to tell them personally before hand.

• Whenever you come out, reflect upon the experience and learn from.  I always find it is therapeutic to keep a journal as years later, you can reflect on your life’s journeys.

• Never let yourself be pressured into coming out before you are ready.

• Coming out is one of the most difficult things we do in our lives.  It is not for everyone!  It won’t always go well, but most of the time it is a very freeing experience.  Be sure you have a network of positive friends and/or support groups that you can turn to for advice, use them as a sounding board during the ups and downs.  Use friends who will want to support your positive experience during the coming out process.  Just remember you’re not alone, all is well…

Be Safe-

Dennis Schleicher

Recommended Books 

1)    For more information on coming out, please refer to my book.   “Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries” 

2)    “Why Gay Men Do What They Do,” By Aaron J. Silver  

3)    “The Velvet Rage” by Alan Downs