Married Man Seeks Same for Discreet Play

Married Man Seeks Same for Discreet Play

He has a loving wife, a small child—and sex with men on the side. How the Internet has made it easier than ever to lead a detection-proof double life.

By David Amsden www.nymag.com/news 

The man sitting across from me would like to tell me his name, but doing so is against his rules. He could tell me a fake name, he says, though not the one he typically uses when meeting a man in the middle of the day, since he has been using the same fake name for so long that it is almost real. Revealing it now would open him up to the potential of recognition, and, frankly, just imagining a scenario like that makes him wonder why he agreed to meet in the first place. He knows how he comes across. So shifty and paranoid. But he is not apologetic. Because when you live two separate lives, as he does, and when you have been maintaining these two separate lives for twenty years, as he has, coming across as shifty and paranoid is something of an inevitability.

     I will call him William Dockett, for clarity’s sake. Over the past few weeks, William and I have been e-mailing regularly. This is what I know about him: I know that he is in his early forties and that he lives and works in Manhattan, earning around $200,000 annually in a job he wishes he was more passionate about. I know that he is a registered Democrat who grew up in a nearby suburb. I know that he has been married a decade and that he is the father of a small child. And I know—here his life gets complicated—that when he is at work, and things are slow, he goes to Craigslist and, with a familiar mixture of guilt and resignation and excitement, clicks on the “men meeting men” section of the personals.

     It is hard to fathom, the notion of a gay man living a closeted life in New York City in 2007. The life of someone like William—who responded to a posting I placed on Craigslist identifying myself as a writer trying to understand the psyche of a still-closeted man—seems at the very least anachronistic. Typically, the “closet” brings to mind small towns, intensely religious communities, and, at the most cosmopolitan level, the lives of Jim McGreevey and Mark Foley: gay men operating in a world so inherently duplicitous that their choosing to lead a shadow life follows, sadly, a certain logic. And yet the thing about desire—frustratingly, thrillingly—is that few things are so resistant to reason and categorization. “I used to think I was bi, but now I really believe that I am gay and just was not in the right situation,” William wrote to me in an early message. “I think I like a particular kind of guy and when I went out looking I never found him, so I gravitated toward women. I found what I liked on the Internet, but I was already married.”

     We are meeting at a pub in the West Village, desolate at this midday hour, a location chosen because it is far removed, geographically and psychically, from where William lives and works. He is, as he refers to himself online, “average looking,” medium height, clean shaven, a little stocky but in decent shape. He’s wearing dark tapered slacks, a well-ironed pale-blue shirt, cuff links, and a pink tie that is flashy but by no means flamboyant, knotted half-English style. For weeks he has resisted the idea of talking in person. “I’m sorry,” he wrote, “but my life is a mess right now.” And later: “Why am I even talking to you?” Once he agreed to meet, he warned me, “You’re going to be disappointed. I’ve had to become very good at revealing very little.”

     He was not exaggerating. My questions are answered curtly, almost inaudibly. No, he is not religious. No, he was not raised in a religious or bigoted household. No, he does not think being attracted to men is “wrong.” No, it’s not that simple. This much he will allow: “This is not the life I was meant to live. I don’t know what that life is, what it looks like, but I know it’s not this. But I don’t think most people are living the life they think they were meant to live, so I don’t feel that bad.” I walk away from the lunch thinking that the most telling thing about the entire exchange is how little William is willing to tell. His paranoia is palpable, clearly consuming. Whatever the reason he decided to meet me in the first place—vanity, a desire to tell a few of his secrets, maybe even a subconscious wish to be discovered—I feel certain that he will not wish to meet again. But later that afternoon he sends me an e-mail: “I think I want to keep talking to you. I don’t know why, but I do.”

To read more go to; http://nymag.com/news/features/34985 & tell us what your think by posting your comments??? Do you think your man is Gay?

-Be Safe

Dennis Schleicher

Reformed Straight Man” of the year, Ted Haggard, Posing as a Straight Man Born-AGAIN at least this week!

Ted Haggard

There is nothing wrong with being a gay man. There is something wrong with a gay man who is posing as a straight man—especially if he is your husband. This brings me to the most talked about “Reformed Straight Man” of the year, Ted Haggard.”

Ted Haggard was the head of the largest ecumenical church in America. For years, he was very much on the straight and narrow—until it was revealed that he wasn’t straight at all. He was “dethroned,” kicked out and put into exile after the news came out about his affair with a young man whom he claims there was no “real sex.” Whatever. For the next two years, the Haggard family wandered trying to find a way to live. Their multi-million dollar anti-homosexual operation was taken away from them—the one he created. He was left floundering through life, trying to find his way and where he fit. If I don’t sound sympathetic—well, I’m not. I have no sympathy for people who spew venom against homosexuality while practicing it themselves. But that’s me.

Anyway, Ted Haggard had a few pathetic years to dream up his newest money making scheme. He and his wife Gayle decided that they could give new false home to homosexuals by making them believe they have choices. Now Haggard hasn’t proclaimed he is gay—rather, “straight—with issues.” Of course those issues are homosexual issues. You know what I say—if you want a penis—you want “gay.” You can wrap it neatly in a box and call it whatever you want, but the bottom line is the bottom line.
What I resent about the Haggards is that they are putting back the whole issue of homosexuality 50 years. Through psychotherapy and prayer, a “straight man with issues” can lead a straight life. His wife Gayle bragged about their great sex life on national television to convince us of that. It’s that old line that even if people are gay, they can make choices. They can make a choice not to act on their homosexuality. I’m not quite sure how they can make a choice to make passionate love to their wives without having the ability to greatly fantasize that they are with a man, but maybe there’s a secret that hasn’t been revealed to me yet.

The sad thing is that the Haggards will make more money now than ever because they found the “solution” to the gay thing. This will give new fuel to all of those religious fanatics that believe homosexuality is a sin that doesn’t have to be acted on. This will drive religious gay men deeper into their closets than ever before. People will be paying the Haggards money to learn how to live this straight with issues life that certainly sounds better than “gay.” And so many more women will keep suffering while their husbands pretend they have “found the light” from the darkness they were lost in before Ted Haggard showed them the way.
Do I feel sorry for Gayle Haggard? No, not at all! She has found a comfortable way out of reality and a way to keep misleading women into staying in their ridiculous marriages. She will no doubt profit from the new prophet of “straight with issues.” She will teach women how to love their gay husbands unconditionally enough to help them refrain from their indiscretions that no doubt will continue to happen. She will also be financially rewarded for her false hopes that she is selling. Look, they already made an HBO special that will undoubtedly be followed by a hit book in the near future. They have to do something to make a living. Coping in the real world just didn’t seem to do it.

Ironically, the same week of the Haggards’ national appearances on every major media show, a movie was released on Lifetime called “Prayers for Bobby.” The show was about a deeply committed Christian woman, Mary Griffin, who did everything possible to try to change her son, Bobby’s, homosexuality into heterosexuality based on her strong religious faith after he came out to her in his late teens. At first, Bobby agreed to try everything from therapy to prayer to not be gay. In the end, he told his mother that he has no choice. She never stopped prodding him to keep trying lest he be damned forever, but he just couldn’t do it. In 1983, Bobby killed himself unable to live with the pressure. Mary went through her own “reformation” and became a great activist for gay rights as a leader in the PFLAG movement. (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) Mary, unlike Ted Haggard, understood the pain and torture of forcing something to happen that by nature can’t happen. This is the meaning of change—the way it should be.
Until people recognize that gay is not a choice and accept homosexuality for what it is, people will continue to lead tortured lives—especially the wives of gay men who can’t be honest or won’t be honest.

Ted Haggard, former Evangelical minister who was outted by a gay prostitute, resurfaced this week on television talk shows to promote his new book and a special on HBO. In exchange for a cash settlement of 12 months’ salary, Ted agreed to undergo ‘restorative’ therapy. The mega church he founded also demanded that Ted disappear – leave Colorado with his family, remain in exile and not talk to the press. After therapy by the ministry to restore Ted’s masculinity, and several months undergoing psychological therapy, Ted says he finally understands his sexuality. Ted now defines himself as “heterosexual with issues.” I tried looking that up, but it doesn’t appear anywhere on the Kinsey Scale of sexuality.
Listening to Ted’s wife is a lesson in denial and rationalization. Gayle Haggard says she rejects labels. “We don’t have to become our identity,” she stated on Oprah Winfrey’s show, “we can make choices.”
When Oprah asked Ted whether he was heterosexual or homosexual he denied being either. He explained that it is just too complicated to reduce to those terms. “I am a person.”
It seems that after two years of therapy, the only progress that has been made is Ted’s list of personal fables. He is no closer to the truth than he was when he hit on a young parishioner, or partied with drugs and hustlers. True, we do make choices in life and we must accept personal responsibility for our choices. However, sexual orientation is not a choice and it is very much a part of our identity. Ted’s refusal to accept his homosexuality and adapt to it was the only choice he made and it just continues the disingenuous narrative of Ted Haggard. Sadly he is stuck in that stage of denial and trying to cope with the cognitive dissonance between the truth of his sexuality and the public persona he chooses to project. Ted, like many gay husbands stuck in this phase, is driven by fear. In the HBO special Ted revealed that he fought against his sexuality all of his life because he feared loss of his friends, loss of the church and his ability to make a living. Living in isolation and without means to earn a living, Ted is facing his worst fears and he is dragging his wife and sons with him through his personal hell. Ironically, he has been forced into exile and isolation by the anti-homosexual monster he created. But the real victims here are his wife and his two teenage sons who have been dragged through the muck as a result of Ted’s personal demon.

American Obsession with Masculinity

American Obsession with Masculinity

Growing up as a gay man in American society a male child learns early on the obvious superior position the more masculine the male the higher social standing he will likely attain by it is sheer virtue. It is very clear that the masculine male athlete is considered of the highest social standing. How Americans worship their male athletes is the prime example of this hyper-masculine obsession within American culture.

Having traveled all over the world but most particularly I have noticed in most of the northern European countries there isn’t quite the masculine obsession. Being a gay man, all gay men know what “gay-dar” is. Some heterosexual people may even have heard this term but don’t understand quite what it means. It means having almost a sixth sense about who is gay. Gay men tend to have pretty good gaydar that is clearly a learned behavior that is generally quite accurate. This is solely, I believe due to the phenomenon of the American masculine obsession. This obsession actually causes men that are not masculine by nature to become masculine acting by practice. You see it in our own former president who is clearly acting out a hyper masculine image. Bush was clearly acting like an American cowboy hero, holding is arms further away from his body than need be to give the impression of his arms being to muscular and bulky to hold them closer to his body. This learned behavior stems from insecurity I believe. However, conversely one does not often see this behavior within most European cultures because they don’t seem to have the hyper-masculine worship that we Americans have.

Perhaps we have it because of the history of how our country was founded. The reason why I mentioned gaydar is because in Europe my gaydar does not work well because many of the European men by American standards act effeminate. It is not that they are effeminate, that is once again only relative to American cultural standards by how we were taught to measure masculinity. European men just walk, talk and act much more naturally and without giving thought to whether they are perceived as being masculine or feminine. This then translates into the fear of being considered gay. The issue of masculine/feminine ought to be considered a neutral issue within a healthy culture that is not fraught with fear about being considered gay or straight.

Gay men I have observed over my many years of being an out gay man have even bought into this American hyper-masculine worship. They will often try and act masculine, and will on chat lines make certain that the gay man they are talking to knows that they are the masculine type. Most of us, whether gay or straight are somewhere in the middle. However, many men will practice trying to be, on the masculine scale. This is truly an interesting phenomenon. This is likely partly the reason why athletes have trouble “coming-out” of the closet because they will lose much of their social standing and adoration. We as Americans need to be more concerned about our ethics, morals and social decay rather than being so concerned about the way we were born to behave and what actually comes naturally to us.

Brokeback Mountain: Now a Major Motion Picture

Straight Acting: Gay Men, Masculinity and Finding True Love

Androphilia: Rejecting the Gay Identity, Reclaiming Masculinity

 

“After years of living the lie of fierce heterosexuality in order to maintain his macho boy band image, former ‘NSync ladies man Lance Bass dropped a bombshell on everything we know about masculinity by revealing to People Magazine that he is actually gay. While we admire his courage and hope he is now able to live a happier life, many of us are still feeling a combination of shock, confusion and disillusionment. I mean, who’s next – Clay Aiken?”

By Dennis Schleicher
Best-selling Author of;
Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries

“Is he gay? He is married! He can’t be gay!”?

“Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries“

How often has it been said…

“Is he gay? He is married! He can’t be gay!”?

You would be surprised if your husband, the guy you married was emotionally or sexually involved with another man!  Or would you care?

The chances are that if you are reading this blog, you are either gay lesbian or bisexual and possibly married, or possibly in a relationship with such a person who is married to the opposite sex.

The chances are that you are seeking to answer questions like “Is my husband gay or bisexual?” or “Is my wife a lesbian?” “Am I the other woman?”  “Is my husband involved with another man?”  “Is my spouse, secretly having an affair?” 

The statistics are rather staggering, according to the 2001 U.S. Census figures show as many as 4 million Americans could be married or have been unknowingly married to a gay spouse living a double lifestyle.  According to an explosion in the media it is suspected that it happens far more frequently than society would lead us to believe. In the majority of cases, the straight spouse might be totally unaware of the true sexuality of their partner. When and if they discover the whole truth, it can be devastating, often leading to a divorce of the marriage. But in some cases, particularly where the relationship between spouses is strong, the marriage can survive, although it is believed that only about 20 or 25% do survive.  This is often the wife in denial with fear of letting go of comfortable patterns associated with self-esteem.  With feelings of what did I do wrong in my marriage?  Trust me when I say.  It’s not the wives faults!!! There are marriages where one partner knew about the sexuality of the other partner before the marriage took place.  Often with the spouse saying.  “It happened when I was in high school,” or “it was just one time, it was only sex, it didn’t mean anything…”  

What are your thoughts and opinions on married, bi, or gay men not coming out to their wives?  How about the “Other Man,” what emotional ramifications does he face?  Is it the gay community, so detached that it doesn’t matter?   

My e-mail has been flooded with letters from the “Other Man,” looking for support and guidance as they emotionally got tangled with someone else’s husband. 

Be Safe,

Dennis J. Schleicher

The author of ”Forbidden Love with a Married Man: E-mail Diaries.”